TEDDY ALERT

My brother-in-law Eric alerted me to this fantastic blog about Teddy's plight and I guess just recently Teddy actually WON! But not in a real race against the President's but rather against the Orioles' bird. Still. Babysteps, Teddy.

For those of you not in the know, or don't remember when I blogged about this before, the Nationals have a race during the game much like the sausage race in Milwaukee. Only instead of sausages, it's presidents. But there is an on running gag where Teddy never wins. (It's George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Lincoln, and Teddy I believe.)

Anyway, EXCITING!

Kenny Comes To UCB!

Hello faithful readers...

Kenny Mayne is coming to UCB finally. He'll be there this Wednesday @ 9:30 pm. It's $5 par usual and he'll be opening for the show Hot Lather and I Eat Pandas. All of those shows are fabulous. So why wouldn't you come to this? Kenny will be reading from his new book: An Incomplete And Inaccurate History Of Sport.

I guess that's it. Kenny, I have successfully plugged your show. Exciting, right?

Cap In Hand

I went home for Memorial Day Weekend. To see the fam, and also to see Kayla play softball and to go to see the Nat's new stadium. It's beautiful. Check it. Supposedly, it's the largest scoreboard in all of MLB.
Here's Kayla getting ready to take the field. You'll note there is a lot of pink going on with these kids outfits. There's pink helmets, pink mitts, pink batting gloves, pink bats, pink shoes. Surprisingly, the balls are not pink. But yellow. So it's easier to pick them up in the batter's box.
Her team name was the Red Cherries They faced a team called the Vicious Puppies. The Vicious Puppies were just as their name advertised. Some good hitters on the Puppies. And the dads were just as vicious. In this league, kids are just supposed to take one base on a hit. And you bat all the way through. You can record outs but it doesn't matter if you get nobody out or everybody out. But these dads were having their kids go for extra bases if it got past the infielders or if the infielders bobbled the ball. Not cool.
Then on Sunday, we went to see the new Nats' stadium. Here's all three generations of Nat's fans in the Shelkey family. We had a lot of different food at the ballpark including some half smokes with chili, cheese, and onions on them, some boardwalk frieds, cotton candy, regular hot dogs, and of course--dots! I was a little disappointed the dots didn't come in the plastic baseball hat. But I guess you can't get EVERYTHING right in the first year right?
And finally, a style debate. I got a blue Nats' cap b/c my red one which Purnell awesomely procured for me before is a little too small. But now I think I got one too big. So I need that goldilocks one in between. Note: It is really hot in my apt, and I have my shirt off. So that's why you get to see the sexy shirtless hat pics. I feel like it's too early to turn on the air conditioning. So I am surviving on shirtlessness and a fan.

TWIB Notes

APT
Dear Reader, I know you are waiting with baited breath(sidenote: the concept of baited breath is pretty gross, right? And how dumb do you feel to get baited by someone's breath? I wonder what smell on someone's breath would reel me in.. Must protect myself from future attacks). Pretty much finished painting the living room. So that means if I don't paint the bathroom or the kitchen, I'm done! The new couch arrives this week. Hopefully in time for the Oscars. Anyway, Feb 19th and one NY resolution? DONE! I'm working on the gym and website design next I think. And some character ideas.

AROUND THE HORN
So... Clemens. Clearly, he's lying. It makes you sad. Because there's no reason for Andy Pettite to lie right now. He could have done the same thing that Bonds, Palmeiro, and others have done which is to lie or just hope that it goes away. But no, he admitted he did it. And then answered truthfully about one of his best friends.

Who smells mini-series or tv movie of the week? (Do they still do those?)

More crazy to me was the assertion of another ballplayer that they were missing hundreds of players who used steroids/HGH. HUNDREDS! I like Pedro's assertion that he dominated that era and he was clean. He's right. And no one would ever say Pedro was on the juice. Dude has been injured more than anyone save Mark Prior.

Also, hopefully you guys watched or listened to some of the hearing. I was livid at the pandering to Clemens from some of the congress peeps. "Which uniform are you going to wear when you get into the hall of fame?" "You're going to heaven, I know that" What??

MICHAEL, THAT RESPONSE IS ILLOGICAL
Ten thousand years ago, in my youth, the show known as Knight Rider premiered. I still maintain it was one of the best pilots of any show ever. 2 hours! And at the end the guy's face is redone with plastic surgery and out comes Hasselhoff as Michael Knight. Pretty brills.

Well, I watched the new Knight Rider this weekend. And it wasn't as good. It was 2 hours long. And the best part was towards the end where Michael Knight's son(who will drive the new KITT) is at his mother's funeral. And off in the distance you catch a glimpse. Could it be? Is it? Are you sure? YES! It's the Hoff! And he has a brief exchange with the kid.

Here's something else... the voice of KITT is Val Kilmer, but it was slated to be Will Arnett! How awesome would that have been? But nope. We're stuck with Val. Who was fine. But I'd either want that St. Elsewhere guy from the first one or this new idea with a zany KITT.

LEMING OFF THE CLIFF
Speaking of illogical, my AI fave, Joshiah Leming, got kicked off before the final 24. This is total b.s.! He was the most interesting out of all of them. He was the first AI contestant that I actually looked him up on the internet b/c I wanted to get some of his music. Of course, he writes his own songs so that's part of it. But he's got an interesting lilting voice. Not the pop power r&b voices that most of the AI crowd has. Still, Joshiah said he sold 800 albums after this so I suppose he's still doing well. Is he really living in his car? What is that fake accent? I don't care. I like him.

But now, I'm rooting for the Austrailian guy and the Irish girl. Outsiders all the way!

PLAY REPORT
We saw THE SEAFARER on Saturday. It was good but not great. [SPOILER ALERT]I think mostly I was unprepared for the appearance of Ciaran Hinds as the devil. Up till then, I was enjoying the good times of the Irish dudes. The crack, as they say. Still, all the acting was really good. David Morse's accent was solid. So, I was content if not satisfied. Kathrine's pronouncement: Too much yelling.

Major League Faker

I love this story. Here's the lead paragraphs from a Wash Post article I just read(and this is the picture too).

"It was quite a scene in the Fernley (Nev.) High gym on Friday. A 6-foot-5, 290-pound football player, seated at a table with his coach beside him, was making his college selection before a cheering crowd. On the table before him were a pair of baseball caps -- one from the University of California and one from the University of Oregon.

The player reached for the blue Cal hat, bent the visor, and placed it on his head, signifying that he was accepting a scholarship to play at the school and would officially sign his letter-of-intent today, the first day senior high school football players can do so. Television crews and a newspaper reporter were present for what was believed to be the first Division I college athlete from the town of Fernley (pop. 19,700).

Hours later, the feel-good story began to fall apart.

Neither California, Oregon -- nor any of the handful of other college football programs mentioned by Kevin Hart -- had offered him a scholarship. In fact, some of the schools he mentioned had never put his name into their databases to send players recruiting literature."

How amazing is that??? HE FAKED IT! And he fooled not only his friends, and family, but his coach, his principal, the whole high school, the local news. Wow.

TWIB Notes

Some notes from around the league. Err.. of Nate.

GIRL POWER
This is my newest guitar pupil. Look at Polly rocking out! Polly took guitar lessons when she was 10 years old so her guitar is 3/4 size. And hasn't really touched it since then. I started teaching her a month or so ago. She's getting better. And we changed her strings. Which were 10 years old. Those strings were older than all of my nieces and nephews. Speaking of...

CAT SCRATCH FEVER
This is my niece Caroline. Pretty cool cheerleading outfit right? Wonder what sort of cool uncle got her that? Sidenote: They play Ted Nugent's song "Cat Scratch Fever" at Panthers' games. Because they are panthers. Still, I feel like it is the first time I have heard that song since being a child growing up in the 70's.

YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME, MONETARILY
Jason Garrett, the Cowboys' offensive coordinator, was given a raise by Jerry Jones, the Cowboys' owner. He now makes 3M a year. What is interesting about this is not only is he the highest paid assistant coach in the land. He also makes more than the head coach, Wade Phillips. I thought this would be remedied by a new contract for Wade. But it hasn't happened yet. This was a month ago. How awkward is that?

IDOL WATCH '08
Since there is not much new on the airwaves these days what with the WGA strike, I have been watching American Idol. Ok, that's a load of b.s. I would have watched it anyway. They are really amping up the whole this contest is a life changing experience for people with sob stories galore. "Singing on American Idol will bring my dad home from Iraq!" "This is my version of 'Funkytown' to let my sister with cancer, I am thinking about her." It's ruthless. And tasteless. But it makes for good trashy television. Still, I'd rather we just cut straight to the awesome and pitiful performances. I've said it before, I'll say it again--Ryan Seacrest earns his $ on that show. He has to keep a straight face talking with the crazies and show genuine compassion to the cry babies. He does it all. And he's able to keep his smarm factor down which was off the charts in season 1 and 2.

SUPER JACKED FOR SUPER TUESDAY
I'm pretty excited for Super Tuesday to roll around on Feb. 5th here in the NYC. Because it's the first time it really mattered. Get to make a real difference on who might run for the Dem nom. You want to know which way I'm voting? Here's a hint: I'm going with the young man.

PICTCHAS
Because I pride myself on being a good uncle, I did some research the other day. I netflixed "High School Musical". For youse not in the know, kids everywhere are crazy about HSM and Hannah Montana. They are really batshit crazy about this stuff. I got my niece Kayla this Wii game where you can sing all the songs from HSM. I wanted to do some duets with her but I didn't really know the words. Well, later I made a mix of the songs and then I watched the movie. Now, I'm ready!

But you know what? The movie's not half bad. The one thing is disturbing is they have this brother/sister team and their relationship is a little weird I think. They sing a song that the main love interests sing too. Until I saw the movie, I didn't realize they were brother/sister. Ummm... creepy. Still, it's a good song.

In other movie news, I think they are going too far with the "Computers Are Cool" notion. And just general technology. It's one thing to have a sci-fi movie. It's another to have current technology and spin a thriller from it, ridiculously. Enter ONE MISSED CALL. This movie is the evolution ripoff of The Ring. You'll remember in the Ring, people watch a video tape of some weird scattered grainy images. 24 hours later, they die. Then there was that movie where if people visited some website, 24 hours later they'd die. Well, now, apparently someone leaves a voicemail on your phone and it's your death. You're listening to a recording of how you die. And then ho hum. 24 hours later you die.

Come on people, it needs to have sort of thread of reality if you're making it out to be a modern day picture. What sort of voodoo is being done so someone can travel back in time with a recording of someone's death? I don't buy it.

Still, maybe this is more exciting than in the vast number of movies where you need some sort of exposition to take place, ,or plot development, and it takes place in front of a computer, normally Google.

APT
I start painting this weekend for the living room. New Year's resolution here we come!

Disturbing Fact Gleaned From Wiki Research

The father of Wade Phillips, head coach of my beloved Dallas Cowboys, was nicknamed "Bum". Apparently, his sister couldn't pronounce "brother" growing up and it came out sounding like "bum". Regardless, it is disturbing that a son of a man named "Bum" is our coach.

I'm not too disturbed because I am certain very soon that Jason Garrett will ascened to head coach. But was not pleased to read this in any event.

I Am Santa

I just saw Lathum donned the Santa outfit this weekend, so did I! I shot another bit for ESPN. This will open the Sunday Countdown show on (duh) this Sunday at 11 am. So if you want to see me dressed as a gung ho sports fan Santa, check it out on ESPN then.

Still need to knock out a few gifts too. The clock is ticking!

TWIB Notes

FOUR EYES
Glasses. I done got new glasses. A pic for this to come too. Also, if you happen to spy my For Eyes commercial please let me know! Or if you see it on the interwebs please forward. I really want to see it. If I haven't told you about this before, it involves a dude trying on glasses and when he does, laser beams shoot out of his eyes and go around the store destroying things. The very last thing the laser hits is my butt. Which causes a small explosion and smoke. I had to wear a special pair of explosive pants for this(which had wires going up and down the whole thing which set off the little squibs(explosives).

This is a little scary as you'd imagine. Especially when the pyrotechnics guy says to you: "This is going to feel like a little warm(referring to my crotch). If it feels a lot warm, let me know." I could make some sort of joke about my crotch always feeling a little warm because of my unit. But I won't. I will just let you fill in the joke for yourself thus saving us both the trouble.

Anyway, there was also a nurse on set that made sure everything was alright with my pants and me after each take. We shot it a bunch of different ways as far as ouch that hurts fanning the flame shenanigans to indifferent New Yorker attitude to laser in pants encounter.

The best part is the contract which I have suitable for framing. The line for my part says, "Customer/Butt".

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SILVER BELLS
It's December 3rd and remarkably, I'm prolly 85-90% done with my Christmas shopping. Pretty exciting! I basically knocked out all of my nieces and nephews. Because I discovered something sad this year.

I am going to be the only sibling home for Christmas. Everyone else in the ol' Shelk fam is done married. So they are spending Christmas with the other side of the family. It makes for some lonesome times. Because normally they'll alternate with Thanksgiving. So you get a good Christmas or a good Thanksgiving but never both. Oh complexities of modern life!

But it's much lonelier when it's Christmas. And I thought, well if I'm buying all these gifties for these kids but they aren't going to be here, what's the point of bringing them home? I should just send them.

Which means, wow, the Christmas tree is going to be pretty bare this year.

I still need to get something for the girlie and some other people, but the bulk of it is done. So there's that.
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BACK IN THE SADDLE
The Cowboys are 11-1. Pretty sweet! This means with a little bit of luck, they will prolly get home field advantage in the playoffs. Which is good news for a possible Super Bowl run. Of course, this still means they'd likely face the Patriots. But we'll conquer that when we come to it. I'm just happy the Cowboys are finally relevant again. This might seem whinerish a bit like a Yankees fan complaining, but we Cowboys have gone through lean times before. We just have also had fantastic highs too(the 70's, the early 90's)but between those periods. It's been a funk. I think that after the 90's superbowls it was a bit like the fall of Rome. Everybody got so happy with themselves that the team because ridiculously self-confident and begain to fall apart. My big brother used to call that team the Crack Wagon.

But now, we've emerged with a young plucky Tony Romo to lead us to the promised land and watching Cowboys games are fun again.
Sidenote: How bad do you feel for Joe Gibbs? He makes the big blunder call in the emotional game after Sean Taylor's murder. Yeesh. Poor Joe.
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BEDROOM OF A DIFFERENT COLOR
I've been on a home improvement kick lately. The first task has been the bedroom. It's got all new furniture, plus a brand new paint job, and some other new stuff too. Next will be the main room. I'm gonna post a whole little photo tour of everything in a bit.
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TIME OFF
Going to Charlotte this week. So I'll be sure to take lots of pics of Linus and Anderson. And when I go home from Christmas I think I should be able to get some of Dylan and Kayla. Just not on Christmas proper. Then I will take some of me and my parents being lonely at the siblings who've abandoned us. Sniff. Sniff.

But I'm excited for this month because I have a lot of vacation time that I have to use or lose it. So I have two four day weekends and then the whole 22-New Year's off.

Ebersol, What The F?

Okay, so NBC has a revamped Sunday Night Football show. And it's exec produced by Dick Ebersol. This is the guy who MADE Saturday Night Live work again. (Yes, there was a time when Lorne Michaels wasn't involved!) This is the guy who created Monday Night Football. This is the guy who made the Olympics interesting to watch.

But this is also the guy who created a piece of prime time crap for Sunday Nights.

A couple of new features for the show this year:

--The Player's Room vs. the Commentators. For some inexplicable reason, they have separated the ex-players from Costas and Olberman. They are only a few short feet away and they talk to each other but it's so strained. What's the idea behind this one? Also, Jerome Bettis, great bus, bad analyst. Tiki Barber? Media Savvy! The Bus constantly makes analysis based on the running game. I suppose that's what you would expect. Defensive coaches always focus on defense, offensive, offense. But that's what makes Tiki cool---he sees the whole game. Not just the run.

--"Lost In Translation". Horrible little segment where they have something a coach or player says and then someone translates what that means. You can tell that the commentators hate this segment. Plus it lasted for all of two seconds. Do you even bother to name something if it is that short? Also, can a segment be that short? There should be a name for something shorter than that. A segmentette or something.

--The Best Plays sponsored by Sprint. These are highlights, and they maintain this squiggly line art the time it's playing as a border around the clips. It's distracting. It's unnerving. It has no point!

--The theme song. Apparently, Ebersol decided it worked for MNF so why not just repeat it by having another country artist do a big cheesy theme song. Only this time let's make it three times as long and pepper it with lots of shots of people watching football games on cell phones. I like this little bit of fairy tale. Does anyone watch football games on cell phones? I didn't think so.

The only thing that they can't screw up is Madden and Michaels. Thank God. But other than that, this show blows! Who's with me?

Weenie of the Week Returns!

When I first started this blog, I had a feature called Weenie of the Week(after the awesome late Glenn Brenner's weekly piece). (My dad informed recently that this was Warner Wolf's schtick actually and Ken just took it from him. Whatevs.)

I have grown lazy with picking a weenie of the week for awhile now. But this week, it's a no brainer. Did you see Bonds hit 755 on Saturday? I missed it. But I caught the replay. And caught this image of Bud Selig. See how he's standing with his hands in his pockets? You should see the full clip because he's actually sitting down when it first starts and then Tom Hicks the Rangers owner is like GET UP! So he finally gets up. But pointedly keeps his hands in his pockets.

Some a douchebag move. Now, I don't like Bonds either. And I feel a little weird about him breaking the record too. But still, if you're in the ballpark, you applaud. You stand up and you applaud with everyone else. Or you boo if you like. But do something. Just don't sit there. This isn't the 1936 Games. You don't need to prove a point like that. And again, if you did, you should be defiant about it.

Do what kids did at my sister's graduation from UVA. The governor was the graduation speaker, people didn't like his politics(I forget specifically why-do you remember Lou?), so they turned their back on him. During his entire speech.

That takes balls. What Bud did was cowardly. But of course, it's not surprising. And so, he is the Weenie of the Week! (Let's see what happens this week too if Bonds hits the record breaker.)(I believe Bud is sending other people to the games for him though, what a cretin.)

Proof Tiger Woods IS A Robot!

This is a picture from the British Open. Look closely at Tiger Woods' hat. But don't think about it too much. What is the first thing that comes to mind? Got nothing? Ok. Try this. Look at the other picture...

Ok, now what do you think? EXACTLY! Tiger Woods is clearly a decepticon!!! He'll try and tell you along with his army of PR machinery that on his hat is a logo which bears his initials of T.W. but come on. That's just a silky subterfuge that will fool a 5 year old but not the rest of us.

I would post some more thoughts on this but I have to go get Bumblebee to give me a ride so we can tell Optimus. The fate of the world rests in my hands. Plus I want to get something for breakfast. Maybe one of those cheese bagels from Au Bon Pain? But do I get Asiago or Jalapeno Double Cheddar? Hmmm.... decisions... oh wait! Tiger Woods. Must warn Optimus.

Nickel & Diming It

Did you notice that Roger Clemens was signed for $28 million for this year? Well not quite. It was actually $28,000,022. Yes, that's right. Twenty-eight million and 22 dollars. I want to know who tacked that on and what is it for. Is that something that their agent put in there? Or was Steinbrenner like, "No, I won't pay you $28,500,000. I'll give you you $28,000,022 and that's my final offer!"

It's odd.

Best Moment Of March Madness So Far

The single best moment of March Madness '07 so far was one of the announcers saying, "That's a man jam!" After somebody dunked with authority. Which game was this? Porter? I forget.