The Lazy River

We went white water rafting on Saturday. First time I've been since I was like 13 years old and the Shelkey twins and father braved the mighty Youghigheny in Western PA. I bought a t-shrit then that read, "I wet my pants on the Yough". (This is a good t-shirt when you are 13.)

This time, it was fitting, I returned to Pennsylania. But not so far west this time. This time, our bounty was the Lehigh River, in the Poconos. Took about two hours to drive there(and I tried out Zipcar for the first time)(whither the glorious satellite radio I had experienced with Zipcar as a passenger before?). Not too shabby.

When you go on one of these things, it's like any sort of tour. You have to be a little worried of who's going to be in your crew. You're stuck with strangers, and to a certain extent beholden to strangers as well. What you're wondering is: Will there be any weirdos?

Inevitably, there will be. To this end, you really want to make sure that it's just going to be YOUR crew on your raft. At least then, you can limit your interaction with the weirdos. In our group, on the way to the river, there was a guy who kept peppering the river guide with questions. It was as if he felt the trip needed a class clown. He would ask questions like, "What's your policy on intentional drowning?" Hard-de-har-har.

Then, there's the guides themselves. There was a whole manner of types to choose from. There was the brawny, tatooed stud type, nicknamed Johnny Knoxville by the ladies. There's the smug older jokester dude. There's the tomboy female guide. The scrappy youngster. And then there's Gabe.

We didn't quite know what to make of Gabe. Gabe is somewhere in his late 20's early 30's. He's a husky fellow with a thick carpeting of body hair all around his upper body. First off, Gabe was quick to tell us this was his first time as a river guide. That's not so comforting. He was also practicing his eskimo rolls as we travelled down the river. This is a life saving maneuver whereupon you right your kayak(or canoe) by rolling the craft back afloat. Gabe was unable to do this. I would like to remind you: Gabe was our guide.

Gabe also was a fount of knowledge about the local area. He waxed on and on about the Steelers and the coal and steel mines. And then he took to philosophizing about his life and life in general. He told us how he didn't want to be dating anyone right now. That he was better off being single. He would probably just mess it up if he was dating someone. He was better off being out here on the river. "I like to say, it's a place you go to in your dreams." That's something that you might read on a bumper sticker or see on a commercial. It might have seemed inspiring. But when Gabe said it, it came out kind of creepy. Because I don't know about the others, but I wanted to be nowhere near Gabe's dreams.

Monstrous Creations

I played a bit of the Iron Chef alchemist the other night. I had some (hot) turkey sausages that were about to go bad so I decided I should cook them all up at once rather than risk spoiling some of them. So I browned them on a skillet. And then realized they were freaking huge! No way was I just going to eat them by themselves.

So I thought I'd make a sub sandwich out of it, and sauteed some mushrooms and then got out some shallots. But they were rotten. I didn't realize that onions could go rotten, but they can! They can look downright gross is what they can do. Threw them away. And decided to just go whole hog and make it into some sort of stew. I cut the sausages up into slices.

I added black olives, capers, diced tomatoes, cashew nuts, apricots, enchilada sauce and topped it off with some lemon juice to add to the liquid base to give it something more to boil off. And I simmered it forever. Trying to form a make shift ragu.

To add to its quirkiness, I scooped it into a pita and ate it that way. It was good! But maybe that's just because I made it myself. Maybe someone else would think it was gross. Hmmm... I shall find out when I have the leftovers what my second opinion is.

At least this was more successful then when I was a kid and decided to make bread by putting salt, flour, and water on a paper towel and putting it in the microwave. It rises into a giant air bubble and deflates. And it gets stuck to the paper towel. Oh, and it tastes nothing like bread. That's the problem with that recipe.

Or the time Brent and I decided to make gummy berry juice. Remember the tv show? The gummy bears had a special juice that would make them bounce.. We figured if you melted gummy bears, that would make the juice. But it doesn't. I just melts it into a foul smelling and tasting jelly. So there you go, two recipes for free of what NOT to make. Don't ever say this blog isn't educational.

TV Dinner

Dear Reader,

I forgot to post some thoughts on the finale of Hell's Kitchen this week. Forgive me! I know you were curious. Last night, I watched Top Chef too so I can offer some thoughts about both. Double Bonus!

Okay, so it went as expected with HK. Who won? Rock did. I felt bad about this of course because Julia turned a bit traitorish on the girl's side. She was surly and sullen and gave Bonnie quite a bit of attitude. It got to the point where they ignored each other at times. So you knew at that point, she wasn't going to be great as a head chef. You gots to communicate, girl!

Look at Rock, he had Josh weighing him down big time. Josh keeps maintaining he can cook and he's a great cook, but I've never seen him cook something successfully in the entirety of the show. Maybe he cooks well at home. That's prolly it. He also cooked a bunch of stuff at the same time AGAIN. When we know that in a fine restaurant, things are cooked "al menu". I learned this from Hung on Top Chef. That means, made to order. One at a time.

But Rock dealt with it, he switched Josh to a station of just having things be warm(the Warmelier?), which he was able to handle. I think he put Vinny on fish, which seems just as dicey, but he made it work(Hmmm Tim Gunn?).

So what's the morale of the story? Never give your restaurant to a nanny.

Okay, on to Top Chef. This week, they had Daniel Boulud. He has the uber fancy (and expensive) french restaurant Daniel in NYC, which vies with Jean-Georges as one the best restaurants in the city(as well as chefs!). Everyone's expecting haute cuise but...

The quickfire was making burgers. I thought that Howie was a bit of an ass kisser in this b/c he went all truffles which I guess is a signature dish of Daniel's(a $120 truffle burger). So instead, CJ won. I like CJ a lot. He's a likeable guy and according to Top Chef is the chef the viewing audience would most like to share a midnight snack with. I could see that. I think I'd prolly rather spend it with Casey. But if CJ was there too, to chat it up, I wouldn't mind.

So no longer does the quickfire winner get immunity. Instead, he gets to pick his team. So he picks the team with the least drama queens. It's him, Brian, Casey, and Tre. Then you've got the team of the fireballs in the other side, with Howie, Hung, Sara, and Dale.

It wasn't as clearcut though as you'd imagine. So they have to divide up because it's the Restaurant Challenge. And (Restaurant April)CJ put Tre in as Executive Chef, Ceej takes sous chef, and Brian is front of house. I forget what the fourth position was. Hmmm... Anyway, on the other side(The Garage), Sara nominates herself as Executive Chef, Howie is sous, Dale is front of house. And again, oops can't remember what Hung is.

So Dale rocks the front of house except he can't smell and puts some stinky vanilla candles out. But Brian is a mess as front of house on the other side. Both meals come out inconsistent. The Garage is too winter-y and robust. And April overcooks their's.

In the end, they decided to do a redo no-fairsees next week. Which makes sense to me. This time you'll really get to see who can get blamed for what. I would have booted Brian. However, he's never done that before so you have to cut him some slack. But next week, he better be on his game!

Mmmm... fresh demo smells soooo good

Hey kids!

So it's finally completed. The new demo is freaking DONE! If you'd like a copy, bother me sometime if you see me, and I might have some on me. Or you can just drop me a line saying you want one. That's all ya gotta do!

Here's a look at the cover designed by the awesome Miss Dyna Moe...
I told her I wanted a Salvation Army band piled up like the Bremen Town Musicians because that's what it feels like we are sometimes. Me likey! You'll have to ask me to see and hear the rest.

The Onion: Should We Be Shaming Obese Children More?

The latest In The Know that I'm in from the ONN... (Note Huskey's character's book, Fudgie The Boy)


In The Know: Should We Be Shaming Obese Children More?

I Am A Freaking Gourmet!

After thinking a lot about cooking for awhile now, I decided to actually do some last night. So I went to Whole Foods and I bought a bunch of crap. I went to the fishmonger. How many times do you get to say that in modern times? (The English major in me wants to remark on how Hamlet insults Polonius by calling him a fishmonger. I think it means something dirty. But like "dirty" dirty. Because I'm sure fishmongers are dirty anyway. Not that the Whole Foods fishmonger was dirty, he was very clean. Anyway...)

I had him cut me a tuna steak. Only it was huge, so I cut it up even further when I got home with my new slicing knife. I started building my little spice collection at home. Collecting anything has a sense of satisfaction to it. Unfortunately, some of the same brand of spice were not available so I had to mix and match. This disturbs my sense of completion. It's like collecting a bunch of Spiderman comics only to find out they're out of Spiderman the next time you're at the comic book store and you have to buy Batman. Fine, sure. But not the same sort of satisfying.

So I know you're wondering but I TOTALLY secured some garlic powder, some cayenne pepper, some cumin seeds, some cilantro, and some coconut oil. Nice, right? I ALREADY had some sea salt and lime juice. So I mixed all spices together in a bowl---it's like I'm some sort of apothecary or something. And then I put some scoops of coconut oil in my skillet on high. While that was heating up, I coated the tuna in my magical spice powder. Then I threw the tuna in the skillet. That was dumb b/c hot coconut oil splashed on me. I'm a pro though, so I brushed it off.

Then I started chopping up the cilantro, I freaking MINCED it people! That was for a garnish for the tuna steak.

Unfortunately, this is when things started to fall apart. Because there was a lot of smoke from the tuna searing in the pan. So much it got hazy in my apartment. I started to cough. I turned my fan on high, I turned the a/c on high, I turned the exhaust all the way. And I opened my apartment door. Jake is smart though. He was laying right by the door low to the ground. I didn't raise a cat to be no fool. Smoke rises! I bet he was testing the doorknob to see if it's hot too.

Like I said, I'm a pro, so I shrugged it off and I flipped the tuna. Then I doused it with some lemon juice(it called for lime juice, but I can improvise too). Then I finished it off. Shut off the burner and waited to die in peace.

But not before sprinkling the cilantro on the tuna steak. Hello people! I cooked it perfectly! Lightly brown on the outside, nice and white on the inside. Then I paired it with a really light and surprising beer, called STELLA. I said, I'm gourmet right?

Anyway, it was good. But the sad part of it all was I realized I prolly should not fry things up too much b/c of the horrible ventiliation probs in my eensy weensy kitchen. It's a shame because I clearly have mad skills.

But that's ok, because the next thing I'm making is chili and that will be mostly simmering, after I roast open these special Mexican chiles I secured.

-Top Chef

Shrimp Takes The Cake

Last night was a bit of a tease. It wasn't the REAL finale of Hell's Kitchen but rather the first of a two parter. Not much happened either. They started designing their own versions of Hell's Kitchen(Bonnie is going really ecclectic and modern with a lot going on; Rock is going very austere, black and white). And while in the midst of this they get whisked away to Vegas by Ramses.

I think I'm a little tired of the classic "isn't-this-house/apartment/hotel room-amazing?" shot. It's used in just about every reality tv show these days and I think it's become hack. We get it. It's really nice. Yay. Get on with it. In the beginning of Real World, we were impressed. But no more. We're over it.

Then they have the big challenge which is to cook their signature dish to a bunch of the best chefs in Las Vegas. Bonnie narrowly wins. But I think there was some hanky panky in the judging. She was winning handily when a whole slew of the last few judges voted for Rock. And they kept saying that he had to win or else he'd be out. I think the judges knew this and voted accordingly to add to the drama. Considering that the last few judges were the last two winners of Hell's Kitchen! Seems a little fishy don't it?

Anyway, Bonnie won anyway for her shrimp and lobster pasta. That means she gets to pick first for her team. She picks Jen. Rock picks Brad. And then the interesting times begin. Instead of picking Julia who's clearly next best, she picks Melissa the shrewish L.I. chick. Meanwhile, did I mention that Julia is in tears the entire time that she's here? So I kind of don't blame her. Rock picks Vinny instead of Julia as well. Finally, Bonnie picks Julia and Josh is left to be last for Rock.

The first time that Julia shows some b*tchiness is shown when she says she's rooting for Rock. I guess Julia believes in bros before hos too. A lot of people are saying that it's going to be Rock hands down. But I don't think so. I think the nanny steals it. She's got a better line, plus she doesn't have the Rock Rage issues.

Hopefully, Rock doesn't have risotto on the menu or else I forsee problems. Stay tuned for next week!

Weenie of the Week Returns!

When I first started this blog, I had a feature called Weenie of the Week(after the awesome late Glenn Brenner's weekly piece). (My dad informed recently that this was Warner Wolf's schtick actually and Ken just took it from him. Whatevs.)

I have grown lazy with picking a weenie of the week for awhile now. But this week, it's a no brainer. Did you see Bonds hit 755 on Saturday? I missed it. But I caught the replay. And caught this image of Bud Selig. See how he's standing with his hands in his pockets? You should see the full clip because he's actually sitting down when it first starts and then Tom Hicks the Rangers owner is like GET UP! So he finally gets up. But pointedly keeps his hands in his pockets.

Some a douchebag move. Now, I don't like Bonds either. And I feel a little weird about him breaking the record too. But still, if you're in the ballpark, you applaud. You stand up and you applaud with everyone else. Or you boo if you like. But do something. Just don't sit there. This isn't the 1936 Games. You don't need to prove a point like that. And again, if you did, you should be defiant about it.

Do what kids did at my sister's graduation from UVA. The governor was the graduation speaker, people didn't like his politics(I forget specifically why-do you remember Lou?), so they turned their back on him. During his entire speech.

That takes balls. What Bud did was cowardly. But of course, it's not surprising. And so, he is the Weenie of the Week! (Let's see what happens this week too if Bonds hits the record breaker.)(I believe Bud is sending other people to the games for him though, what a cretin.)