Good Grief

If I were smart, I would have been taking a time-lapse photo session of the giant lump of snow that had collected in the corner at the 2nd Ave station. The first day it snowed, it was all white and pristine. And then slowly over the last week or so it got brown, and then black, and gross. And quietly, it has melted. Today, it was almost gone. I felt sad for the lump of snow. Like an urban filthy smelly Frosty who got trapped in the greenhouse. But I suppose he'll be back again next year.

In other disgusting related news, did you see the footage on MSN about the rats taking over the Taco Bell/KFC in the West Village? It's frightening. It reminds me of how there will be a day of reckoning between rats and humans. The secret of NIMH will be revealed. And I'm not sure we'll come out on the winning side. Remember, rats outnumber humans in Gotham 12:1. This is an estimate. No one really knows. But I just read that a female rat can produce 285 new born rats in one year. Yowza.

Which reminds me... did you see this article? It's about a Rottweiler puppy that was rejected by his mom because his brother was stillborn. So he was adopted by a momma cat. The picture is heartwarming. I just wanted to end this post with something nicer than rat babies. Or giant lumps of shit-as-snow.

For those of you clamoring for my review of Music & Lyrics: I plan to see it this weekend.

Saturday Morning Song Fun

A first pass at a possible theme song for a spank at UCB...

Sunny-Side Up

I think it might be too poppy though. It needs to be more little kid like I think. We'll see... back to the hit factory.

Candies No One Should Eat

1) Those chalky mini-hearts that have crap printed on them for Valentine's Day. Let's be honest, they suck, right? The best part is the printing. After that, it's all downhill.

2) Speaking of chalky "treat"s, what about Necco wafers? Who eats these? Why do they exist? Yet, they live on. Awful candy is like the cockroach, nobody likes them but they are indestructible.

3) Bit O' Honey. Bit O' crappy tasting candy that's what this is. Also, you can draw a parallel that all crappy candy is still using packaging from 1958.

4) Mary Janes'. More evidence! Every once in awhile, I encounter someone who actually likes these last two and it baffles me. It's a bit like someone hoarding the barf flavored jelly beans in Bertie Botts Every Flavored Beans.

5) Now 'n Later's. These are actually good. But they aren't worth it. It takes approximately 15 minutes before it becomes soft enough to chew. And even then, it's so sticky it's likely to destroy any dental work you have. Why not go for a Starburst instead? Or better yet, the Jolly Rancher chew! This is a sublime candy.

6) Charleston Chew. Another circa 1958 craptastic candy! Every year, when my parents would inspect our candy at Halloween there would be the pile of possibly dangerous candies. And then there would also be the pile of candy no one would want. Bit O' Honey, Mary Jane, and Charleston Chews lead the way.

7) Those Dots. Not the dots that are like chewy and called Dots. No, I mean the ones that were in rows on paper. Long rolls of paper. First off, the candy wasn't that good. Second, you had to wrestle with the paper and you could never get the candy cleanly separated from the paper so you always had to eat paper with your candy. Who are the candy scientists that came up with this delivery system? It blows!

8) Butterscotch. Again, these aren't bad. But they're not worth it. If you're going to go for some candy, why not go for something that's flavorful and actually makes you happy after you ate it. This is the plan D of candy. It's something you settle for after your Dream Candy, Your Reach Candy, And Safe Candy Schools all rejected you. Then you turn to Butterscotch. Because butterscotch will always love you. But you will always be thinking about someone else.

9) Candy canes. Peppermint is like butterscotch, it's a plain jane flavor that just isn't really worth your while. That being said, I enjoy the fruity flavored canes. But the problem here is in the delivery system again. The cane while aesthetically pleasing is an awkward way to eat something. First off, once you start sucking on this your saliva starts to dribble down the cane to your fingers and the wrapper. Soon there's a little river of peppermint jizz that starts to coagulate. And just like normal jizz, it's sticky folks! The only thing that is slightly pleasing is trying to suck on the cane long enough to hone it to a razor sharp point. And then go and poke someone with it. For funsies. But is that really fun? It's not. But that's what you do when confronted with a boring set of circumstances. You make your own fun.

10) Almond Joys/Mounds. Number 10 is a tie. And I fully admit the reason that I don't truck with these guys is a singular one. Coconut. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. The only time I feel like a coconut is on the ambrosia known here on Earth as Samoas(there's some p.c. name for them but they will always be Samoas to me.) I always cringe in It's A Wonderful Life! when George Bailey puts extra coconut shavings on the ice cream for his gal. Giant Mr. Yuck Face from this guy.

What candies do you find repulsive?

Top Dog

Must love dogs. That's me. I love 'em. But I have to say, I don't think this dog is cute. Meet Harry. He's Bill Cosby's dog and he's the front runner in the Westminister Dog show. What the hell is that on his head? It looks like a wig! Dogs have too much hair to be wearing wigs.

The Pee Bottle

Had an interesting conversation the other day with Kathrine and her roomies. Regarding a curious phenomenom that you may or may not know about----the Pee Bottle. If you have a large number of siblings, and your family took a lot of road trips, I bet I don't need to tell you what it is. I mean, you know what it is. It's a bottle that's filled with pee!

But it's used to keep your drive time going, to maximize your efficency. So when you are traveling to Disney World which is 14 hours away, you aren't needlessly bogged down by pee breaks. And you force your sons to use a milk bottle or something to whiz in while your sister gets to use gas stations, or some bushes if it's particularly desolate.

Some people might consider the Pee Bottle inhumane, or cruel to make children use such a device. But now that I'm grown up, I think it makes perfect sense. If I have a large drive ahead of me, I might be packing a Pee Bottle. I should note, I don't think Pee Bottles are reusable. That would be gross. Especially if you made your son wash out the Pee Bottle and dry it for use later. And where do you store it? In the garage I guess. Or maybe you just leave it the car all the time. Maybe sometime in the near future it will become some sort of standard accessory for cars, like those foldie things that protect your dashboard from the sun, or dohickies that connect your iPod to your car stereo.

And in time, they'll make a Pee Bottle for women too. It'll probably have some sort of funnel in its design somewhere. Honestly, I can't think of how else it could work. It needs a funnel.

Speaking of Pee Bottles, one of my ex gf's had to pee a lot. It was just a thing. No big deal, but she often had to go. So one time, the Shelk Car broke down---it overheated and something else went wrong. We called my dad and the parents came to the rescue. We had gone to 7 Eleven previously to the breakdown and had slurpee or Big Gulps or something. And she had to go. So she threw out the rest of her soda or slurpee and used it as a pee cup. Right there in the car. Humbling enough, right? But then just as she had finished, my parents arrived.

And my mom came right up to her window and saw my g.f. with the cup and said, "Oh what you drinking?" The g.f. just meekly said ummm Mountain Dew or something. The moment came and went. But I was wondering if something strange might happen like my mom would ask for a sip, or she'd ask why aren't you drinking it? I always think of a multitude of embarrassing situations that could present themselves. They never do. But I like to be prepared for them mentally just in case. By the way, don't you think the Mountain Dew was a good recovery? She was really drinking Diet Coke but her lie would have been spotted right off if she said that.

Greetings From Hoth

Sure. I'll do it. I'll state the obvious. IT'S FREAKING COLD! Why is it that February always seems to be the coldest month. It was like that in D.C. and it's like that in New York.

I'm watching some of the exhausting Super Bowl coverage and I see Katie Couric doing a story. What is going on with CBS News? Why is she reporting during the Super Bowl coverage? She's taken that CBS anchor position and made it like News Lite. The whole show is now human interest crap and now she's doing a report at the Super Bowl? Would Tom Brokaw, Peter Jennings, Dan Rather, Walter Cronkite, any of these people have done this? No.

But now apparently, CBS will. (Also, Katie Couric's hair is crazy! It looks like just had sex hair.)

That's it for now. I'm going back to my ice cave on Hoth.

(Sidenote: They just reported that the Colts are going to eat a light meal at halftime to stem the tide of hunger between the pre-game meal and dinner, since half time is like an hour long. Ummm... this doesn't seem like a smart idea.)

Learning From History

For the past week, I have been sick. I stayed home from the jobby job. But did that mean that I got any rest? No, it did not. Because the apartment above mine chose this week to do some rennovation. So during the day, I got no rest at all. I took to seeing movies just to get some peace and quiet(I knocked out Letters From Iwo Jima and Casino Royale over the past two days.)(Sidenote on Casino Royale: Umm... really long we're in love sequence there. Not necessary. Maybe it's because I was barely conscious but it made me impatient. Get with it Bond!)

So I think on the 2nd day, I thought about going up there and having some words with these people about all the racquet. I tramped upstairs and then peered inside and saw it was just workmen. Rennovating a ridiculous apartment. A word about my apartment building. It's a strange place, almost the entire building is filled with duplex apartments. But two floors are not. Guess which floor I live on?

Now I was not only sleep deprived and sick, but now jealous as well. At least I finally got a peek inside of one of these. As I was about to say somethign to the workmen, I remembered Adrienne Shelly. Isn't this exactly how she died? Hmmm... Yes, it was almost the same scenario. So I retreated back downstairs and put some pillows over my head and gave up and went out to see a movie.

I also pulled a muscle this week from coughing too violently. Did you know you could do such a thing? Well, I did.