Shave & A Hair Cut: Two Shots?

I got a haircut this weekend. Pretty exciting right? That's worth a whole blog post, right? Oh ye of little faith! I have interesting things to say. I do, I do! I got a haircut at the place that's right next to my apartment building. There's this dude in there that I like--he's young. He's Russian I think. Anyway, so this time after I finish he says, do you want a shot? I said, ummm ok. And then he's like what do you want? And I see that he has this little bar with like say 10 different kinds of liquor. So it's not just like some idle thing he's concocted. No, he has a whole liquor cabinet. The guy in the chair next to me did one together. We both had Jameson's.

Very odd. I've never heard of anything like this. My girlfriend back in college used to go to a hairdresser that would let you smoke, she'd even give you one. But that seems strange but not unheard of--I mean that was Harrisonburg too. They don't call it the Dirty South for nothing.

Anyway, in this aftermath, I can't decide if this is something I'm looking forward to going back for or not. As my friend Flynn pointed out, I should make sure that it's not my hair dresser who's doing shots too. But still, I prefer this to the other Russian place by my work where the tough Russian women want to seriously trim my eyebrows done to pencil thin length. And the shots dude uses the hot foam and straight razor to shave you too. I love that. I'm a fan of the old school haircut! So set me up again...

Snowjobs

Every year some wag references the famous editorial where some young girl wrote the New York Sun and asked "Is there a Santa Claus?". Well, you know how it started out. It always reminds me that my friend once went out with a guy who claimed that guy(see left) was his grandfather. Maybe great-grandfather. This happened in 1897 so it must be at least his grand grandfather. Anyway, I think that is such a great little fact to make up to impress a girl. Isn't it? I mean, who's going to check that?

The reason that I think that he might have made it up or that he was at least a seriously creepy guy was he had a tattoo on his arm. "That's not so creepy," you say. I agree with you. No, it's not. But what if I told you he had a picture of his dead grandma tattooed on his arm. "That's only just odd, if not a little sweet," you say. And I'd say yes, you're right. I wouldn't do it. But it is sorta nice in a way, right? But what if I told you he had a picture of his dead grandma on his arm taken from a picture of his grandma when she was young. And hot. So when you saw his arm, you saw a picture of a hot looking girl. And then you'd ask, "Who's that?" And then he'd say, "Oh that's my dead grandma." What would you say then? "That's creepy," you'd say. And I'd agree.

For the record, my great grandfather wrote "Jingle Bells"*.

* He did not, in point of fact, write this. But did you look it up? Be honest girls, you liked it. You told your friends already. Right? Yet another slimy way to impress girls: Q.E.D.

It's A Jolly Ollyday With Mary(not so much)

So I said I would go, and of course I did. Saturday went to The Holiday with my friend Siobhan. I told her how the movie was getting slammed left and right, but she said she still wanted to go. (By the way, there is a preview for a movie where Hugh Grant plays a washed up popstar from essentially a Duran Duran style band. He plays a Simon LeBon type. He's supposed to go on some reality show of washed up celebrities and then somebody wants him to write a song. He starts to write it but he's having trouble, and the girl who's watering his plants absent mindedly helps out. Who is that girl? It's Drew Barrymore. These people know their audiences, everyone wanted to see this movie immediately. Myself included. Trust me, it's ro-co gold.)

Long and short of it? The movie is not that bad. (It's not that good either.) But it wasn't the trainwreck reported. In fact, everyone in it is good except Cameron Diaz. Which led me to wonder, is Cameron Diaz bad or is it the writing? Because Cameron has been in two great romantic comedies. 1) My Best Friend's Wedding, and 2) Something About Mary. But… and this is crucial. She doesn't carry either movie. It's more Julia's movie and Ben Stiller's movie. So maybe she is awful.

There's some good scenes though---one where Jack Black hums the themes for various movies in the video store(he's a film composer, natch). A running bit where Cameron imagines her life as movie trailer(that's HER job, she makes movie previews). But altogether Jack Black gets the short shrift as the attentions of Kate Winslet are split between him and this old codger who lives next door (played by Eli Wallach). It's kinda charming but also, I feel like we are robbed of precious Jack Black Magic Time. So that's disappointing. In a semi-crappy movie, you need all the magic you can get.

And you know, Jude Law IS charming. But this is where Cameron just sort of falls short. I think in order to work in a ro-co, the girl must seem like someone we can be. And I don't think anyone ever relates to Cameron Diaz. She's too Barbie pretty. Too 1000 watt smiles. This is bad for her to play a lead in romantic comedy. She should be playing the person the lead's cad boyfriend cheats with---that's more her style.

There's also some bad scenes. There's anothing running bit with Cameron where she can't cry, and of course, at some point she actually cries. Well, it's lame. Maybe with someone else, I could see this working. But it felt cheesy. And they definitely milked it. There's also a scene where Kate marvels at how large Cameron's house is. And it's cheese, but at the same time, Kate wills her way through it.

Jude Law has two kids too(can ro-co's have spoilers? Maybe. This is a spoiler! Sorry.) And they steal the one big scene they are in---why couldn't we have more of them? The shot of the two kids and Jude and Cameron laying down looking up at the "stars" in their tent, it was good moment. Too bad there weren't more of them.

So all in all? I enjoyed it, but mostly, I am just waiting till Valentine's Day.

(P.S. Natasha, I did not go to see Must Love Dogs in the theatre. I saw it at home on cable and it was not good. My ro-co taste is immaculate!)

Fun With Audio

I'm fooling around with my old Roland 8 track that I used to record with before I went all Pro Tools. Now, I've just discovered this cord that came with my laptop that lets me transfer all of my old Roland stuff to my computer. This makes me happy. So now I can let you good people listen to silly stuff like my experiments with harmony. This is a little snippet of "The Swan Song" when I was working on the chorus and trying some harmony. I'm going for a Squeeze sound so if that conjures it up at all for you, mission accomplished! Ok... check it. (Also, saw The Holiday last night. I'll post a review in a moment but I have to get back to memorizing some stuff.)

Swan Song soundbite

Ro-Co Corner

The Wash Post totes just slammed "The Holiday" that new movie that is opening this weekend. This is the one where Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet switch apartments for a holiday to get away from everything and they become mixed up with Jude Law and Jack Black respectively. Can it really be this awful?

"In the annals of generic people-standing-around-talking movies, "The Holiday" achieves a new low. A cinematic widget product from expert extruder Nancy Meyers ("What Women Want," "Something's Gotta Give"), this overproduced romantic comedy doesn't even qualify as fluff; it's flat, featureless plastic."

I must find out.

Woolly Bully

I do a lot of my best thinking in the bathroom. This is why I am surprised how girls make such a quick exit. Guys, we take our time. Anyway. For some reason, I started thinking about bullies the other day. (No, I was not being beat up in the bathroom.) And I wondered, what happens when bullies grow up? There are many things to be considered here. One is of course that sociological aspect of---do they abandon their bullying ways or do they continue them? But of more interest to me is---do they cop up to their being a bully as a child?

From time to time, I'll get into a conversation with people about whether or not they've ever been in a fight. Because I find it interesting to hear people's experiences with that. But I've never run into someone who was a self-admitted bully as a kid. Like the classic stealing the lunch money kind of punk. What happens to them?

I'm thinking about this guy who I grew up with---he had a great name too. Because part of me doesn't want to get beaten up by him googling his name. Let's just say his name rhymes with Schmyan Schmuner. But there's two B-R's in there. Instead of "Schm". Figure it out? Ok, good. Anyway, I think that's a great name for a bully because it seems like there's violence contained in that last name.

Schmyan went from being feared by everyone to being loved by the ladies. In 7th grade, he dated an 8th grader. He got her pregnant too. Apparently, even his sperm was overly aggressive. In high school, he was voted Mr. Spartan. Which is like the equivalent of All-World in our school. You have the homecoming queen and then Mr. Spartan. There's a homecoming king too but Mr. Spartan is the more highly bestowed honor.

Saw him at our h.s. reunion and he was really nice. Totally mellowed out now. Doesn't seem like he beats people up anymore. But I wonder if someone asked him, would he mention it? Maybe he has some really good beating kids up stories. Most of the time you hear the opposite. Times that people got the crap beat out of them. So if you were a bully, hey speak up! Let us hear your story. I'd like to know if you acknowledge your sordid past. Also, bullies beware---there's a law that some states are trying to pass that make bullying an actual crime.

Girlscouts Vs. Boyscouts

Is there any debate here? Girlscouts beat Boyscouts hands down. And it's on the basis on one thing. The COOKIE. Because I was a boyscout for like six months. And let me tell you, in that brief period of time we had to sell:

--Christmas wreaths
--unpopped popcorn(the kernels I'd guess you'd say)
--Turkeys(who buys their turkey from a boyscout troop?)
--Candy with nuts(Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. Most of the time? People don't.)

We also had clothing drives. And picking up trash. And helping out at church. And you know what we never had? Cookies. The best we sold was donuts on Sundays after mass. Krispy Kreme. But did any of it compare to the wonder that is the Samoa? No. Not it does not. The Samoa is the platonic ideal of Cookie. It's the closet thing we mortals have to perfection. So Boyscouts of the world? I say to you: get to work on something as valuable as The Cookie or else you are never ever going to be as successful as GSA. You're getting beat right out of the gate. Out of the stable really.

(Although I will say this, I did learn Egyptian Ratscrew in Boyscouts and that was definitely something cool. And I learned to insult another boy by calling him a "greenhorn". I find it refreshing that we boyscouts were innocent enough to use that as the worst thing you could call someone.)

It Makes No Difference

I ran into this girl on the street the other night. We know each other from a reading we did back in the day. What is funny is that we started talking about Huck Slim and she said to me, "I get your emails" and I said to her "Yeah, I get yours too". What we were basically saying to each other was, I am never going to go to any of the things you plug about to me. I think we're both fine with that. So… we shall now resume ignoring each other's emails.

Terrorist Cell Phones

I just finished "Cell" by Stephen King. It's all about a plot where some sort of terrorist strike is down by sending out some big pulse on cell phones and causing people to go crazy and kill each other. I think it's all born out of Stephen King's hatred and distrust of cell phones. He likes computers but not the cellies.

I'll admit it. I was a holdout. But not for long(I got a cellphone in 2000). Because when you think about it, the convenience is just too much. So Mr. King, if you're right, I shall be one of the first zombies if such a thing does occur. (I do not have a land line phone.)