Flame Throwers

Last night, I went to one of those bars where girls get up on the bar and dance. Sometimes, they take off their bras. And then they hang up them behind the bar. Every single time I have been to one of these bars? A girl has wanted to go there. Maybe it's because in these bars guys are treated like shit(I once was heckled for my slow dancing with my friend). There are unwritten rules in these places. For instance, do not ask for water. If you ask for water, one of a couple of things will happen. If you are lucky, they will simply scowl or yell at you. But if the bartenders are feeling surly(and they always are), they will take their little spray gun and spray you with water. Also, they have bullhorns.

By the way guys, if you are reading this and thinking, I would like to go to a bar like this, don't go to Coyote Ugly. Word to the wise, the most you're going to get is girls clicking their boots on the bar. And the bartenders seem to hate men with a passion. At least at the others in the Meatpacking district, the view is nicer on the bar, more clothes come off, and the bartenders don't seem to completely hate men. They just want to treat them like Estella done Pip so long ago.

(Sidenote: If you've ever seen the movie, Coyote Ugly, you know how hilarious it is. Because this girl comes to the big city and "makes it" by working at a bar where you wear skimpy clothes and dance on the bar. She is also a songwriter. Somehow this gels in the movie.)

Sometimes they do interesting things like this one girl lights the bar on fire with some alcohol and then she also breathes fire at one point. As Heather said, "It's pretty interesting the first five or six times." Later, a bartender danced on the bar with a beer bottle in her crotch and then pretended to jizz all over this guy in front of her. See what I'm talking about guys? These places are fun for girls but not for guys. It seems like it would be. But it's not. It's like visiting the Isle of Lesbos I'd imagine. Lots of action but none of it for you.

The Bathroom Mystery(The Best Kind)

Where is Robert Stack? There's a mystery here at work. And it's right up Stackie's alley because it's totes unsolved. Like clockwork, someone puts a long strand of t.p. in the corner of the handicapped stall. It's always in the same place. I always wonder what they are doing that for. I meant to take a picture of it on my way out yesterday but because it's a mystery, it was gone. Anyway… what could the reason for this be? Does someone want to have like the t.p. "at the ready"? Are they shy and don't want people to be able to see the little teensy weensy bit of space in the cracks in the door? Is it after hours and they want to(as my old roommate Graham would say) "rub one out"? It's strange. And gross. And disturbing. Toilet paper should be on a roll or in the hole. If I have kids, I will make that a house rule. No playing with toilet paper! I think I'm going to investigate when people started t.p-ing. Is there any real way to figure this out? Maybe the first mention in popular media about it. That's a start.

TWIB Notes

When I don't really have a fully formed idea for an entry and it's just a bunch of short thoughts, I'm going to keep calling it TWIB notes. Even though that technically would mean it's about baseball(This Week In Baseball). But it's not. Sidenote: TWIB was one of the most enjoyable shows ever growing up. With Mel Allen doing the voice over? Brills. Okay...
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Thoughts after watching Prison Break

Do we really buy that T-Bag is such a ladies' man? I mean, that jogger women post office chick, she didn't seem THAT lonely. Hmm… I didn't buy it. Still, I love this show.

I am going to miss Bill Fichtner. Great character. He's sublime at playing creepy. I remember him from back in the day on As The World Turns! (He played a hearththrob.) As I remember Meg Ryan and Kevin Bacon and others. Ex-soap stars, you know who you are!

Here's something odd I just noticed after going to imdb to figure out how to spell Bill Fichtner's name. Both Wentworth Miller(Michael Scoffield) and Dominic Purcell(Lincoln Burrows) were born in England. Also, the actor who plays Sucre is going to be in the Transformers movie. Dominic is going to be in a slew of movies in 2007 whereas Wentworth is taking his Prison Breaking pretty seriously. Ah, what a crew, those Prison Breakers. Tanouye, can you help me meet who I like to call Nurse Hottie?


Sarah Wayne Callies. Mmmmm. I could make some sort of doctor related sexual role play style pun here like I have a boo-boo and I'd like you to kiss it. But I won't. I shall resist. But I will think it instead.

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Astroland at Coney Island is closing.
Sadness. Where will I now go to have a trashy amusement park like experience? Luckily, the Cyclone will continue to operate. Wooden rollercoasters are superior in every way.(Can we get a shout-out in here for the Grizzly at King's Dominion in Virginia? HOLLER!) There's something charming and completely scary about them. You can always spot a few boards that are moving about as the ride goes around and makes you think that the whole thing is going to fall down at any second. So naturally, I get in line a second time. Anyway, supposedly it's going to be all spruced up and stuff. Does this mean no more Zoltar-esque machine as well?
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Say Goodbye To Irving, TexasThe Cowboys just drop kicked their ummm... kicker. After missing five field goals. Yeesh. But I think it's a good move. You don't want to get mixed up with bad mojo when you are preparing for a playoff run.
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Tree Lighting Today In Rock Center
I am wondering if New York is an angel or a star kinda town. The Shelkey's, for the record, are a star kinda family. I never really understand those people that put angels up there. Hello, Star of Bethlehem people!

Post Turkey Thoughts

I was just at an audition today and as is often the case, there a bunch of models in the waiting room. Now, the only time I'm in a room with models and it's my audition is when it's the classic regular joe guy (or even worse schlub) and gorgeous girl spot. Therein lies the humor. It's almost just a sight gag really.

But more oft than not, these girlies are just there for another audition. As they were today. What amused me was the guys in my audition, were chatting up the models. One of the models was more than willing to yak it up with my contemporaries. But she made sure to throw in a "my boyfriend this" and "my boyfriend that" just to let them know who's who.

But see, I never talk to these girls. I know we are like oil and water(or vinegar for that matter). You can mix us together for a little bit, but it just isn't going to stick for longer than you can eat a salad. But these guys are fearless. And I applaud that.

What they don't seem to care about and I sorta do is, there's a cliche about models right? It's this: they tend to be a little bit of they "all the lights are on, but nobody's home" kind of gal. For instance, today they were talking about how they got flown in and the gal said she didn't know which airport she came in on or that was leaving. She said it's Kennedy, is that the same thing as JFK? Umm... yes. It is hun. Also, they will practice their "looks" too. Like Blue Steel from Zoolander? It's not so far fetched. I've caught them practicing their various smoldering looks in the mirror or just to the air around them. It's hilarious. And yes, even though they look silly, they look good doing it.
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I was also thinking about Train Seat Theory. Whenever I go home I like to take the train. Because it's a lot easier to get to Penn Station than to get to LGA or JFK(Or Kennedy) for me since I live in the zany jungle known as the East Village. I like it because you can stretch out, going to the bathroom ain't no thang, it's easier to take up a lot of room in the storage compartments without having to check stuff. And it's long enough(3+ hours) to watch a whole movie. Plus I like the whole train thing. There's something sort of romantic about it.

But the trains I take normally are pretty packed. And the worst part of the train ride is when the big board changes and you see which platform your train is coming in on. Everyone scrambles and runs to get on the train. Never mind that it's a reserve train(everyone gets a seat). People are still insane about it.

So you're faced with a decision. Where do you sit? You've got to decide quickly. Before I started taking my laptop, I would do something bold and unexpected. I would sit next to someone even before the empty seats were taken up. Why would I do such a thing? I figured the enemy you know is better than the unknown. If I were ever on "Let's Make A Deal" back in the day, there's no questino to me that you never try what's in Door #3 if your prize is pretty substantial. Because sure, it might be better. But it could be a lot worse. A LOT worse. I'm talking like some six foot seven 300 pound mammoth dude who smells and eating a tuna fish sandwich worse.

So what I used to do? I'd sit by a pretty girl. Because why not? And it makes sense. The trains going to fill up. So why not accept this fact and make the most of the situation.

But nowadays, I take my laptop and watch a movie and I like to sit on the window seat so I can charge my phone and laptop. Hence, I pick the empty seats first. And hope for the best. I steel myself for the probability of someone distasteful sitting next to me. I create a stash of snacks and water and resolve not to get up to go to the bathroom too.

But one time, the Seat Theory really almost paid off because I sat next to some girl and we had to switch trains, so then we switched back and turned out she sat in business class. So I sat there anyway, and the conductor dude let me sit there because the train wasn't too full. And we were both on our way to a wedding that weekend. Her brother was getting married. I was going to see a friend who had a sister. And he was the one getting married. I was hoping for full ro-co fulfillment that she would turn out to be my friend's sister. But she wasn't.

That's my other point though, three hours on the train is long enough for something to happen. Something interesting like that. But when it's only the hour on the plane, you barely have time to introduce yourself and you're landing already. See, I like that little possiblity of adventure. And that's why I prefer the train. Strangers meet on trains, not on the plane. I've also met the guy who wrote "Hands Across America". I would never end up talking to him on the plane. But ah, the train. The train is where it's at.
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My niece Kayla has a wish list that she showed me. It lists about 20 items. The really important one is "Baby Alive". This is a doll that really poops in a diaper. She is beyond excited about this. I believe it because I watched her help Lou change Dylan. There was real live poop and she didn't even flinch. Uncle Nay steered clear though. I am interested in neither real nor fake baby poop.

ESPN: We Meet Again

Did yet another bit for Kenny Mayne with ESPN. As always, it'll be on this Sunday around 12:15-12:30 on the NFL Sunday Countdown. This one proves to be pretty funny as the premise is that Terrell Owens has a play on Broadway about his life called "Little T Learns To Share". And it's a one man show starring Paul Rudd. But he hires three actors just cuz. The three actors are me, Ellie Kemper, and Neil Casey. Paul Rudd was really nice and funny, natch. If I get a linkie for it, I'll post it.

In other news, if you see me ask me for one of my snazzy new business cards! They were designed by the wonderful Dyna Moe. They rule! I won't even describe them to you, you'll just have to see.

Previews I Have Known That Stunk

In the midst of the previews for Stranger Than Fiction, a heart warming story about Will Smith and his son came on screen. Will Smith's character falls on hard times and has to scrape together to make things work for his little family. Even sleeping in a bathroom because they get evicted from their apartment. But then he sees a man pull up in a fancy sportscar on the street and asks him what he does for a living and how he does it. The man replies that he works on Wall Street as a broker. So Will Smith gets an internship to complete the whole rags to riches cycle.

Okay, you know what? Seemed pretty good up to this point, right?

Then they show a scene where he's in a car with another guy who has a Rubik's cube. The man is frustrated with the Rubik's cube. Will Smith says, "I can do that!" The man is incredulous. "Nobody can do that." "I can do that!" Will Smith then solves the Rubik's cube in a matter of seconds.

This is when I decided this movie is a piece of crap. In a matter of seconds.

It is also called "Pursuit of Happyness".

Double Blech. (It is also followed by Will Smith telling his son to don't let anybody tell you can't do something. Not anybody. Not even himself(Will Smith). And I presume especially if someone tells you can't solve a Rubik's cube. That too, right Will?)

Shitty Demo fun

This is a little Sunday morning shitty demo fun. That song that I posted about before, The Fry Cook's Lament? This is a rough version of it this morning. I'm singing and playing really low because I don't want to bother my jerky downstairs neighbor. Enjoy.

The Fry Cook's Lament

I Am Wearing Two Different Socks Today

I am curious to see if this will be noticed. The color difference is pretty egregious. One is blue and one is black. You might say, well those can look similar. These two cannot. I have banned myself from crossing my legs today so it makes it harder to notice. I couldn't find any matching socks this morning. (The subtext of this is obvious: It is time to do laundry. Err or buy some more socks.)