The Fugitive

There is a picture up on the bulletin board in my lobby at home. There's printing above his picture. It reads: parole violator. Looking at it, I thought the guy did look familiar. Then I realized why. It's the guy who lives across the hall from me. After crystalizing this(that works right? I can say that and not seem too fruity, right?), it makes me think, oh yeah, I haven't seen him around in some time.

My mom has wanted me to know who my neighbors were before. I assured her I was not going to do that. I know most of them by their faces and yeah, we say hi to each other. And actually, strangely, some of them seem to know my name. How? I don't believe I ever said. And now, I'm glad I don't know. This guy across the hall, maybe he would have knocked on my door to ask me to let him hide out for a few days. Or for some cash. Or kidnap me. Or something. But now if he wanted to do that it would be a lot harder. He couldn't knock on the door and say, "Nate, it's Yaz, let me in!" Now he has to say, "Hey dude! You don't know me but I live across the hall! Let me in! I'm wanted by the police! I want to kidnap you!" Maybe he wouldn't say "I want to kidnap you." If you were a kidnapper, that would be a dumb move. I'm not trying to help kidnappers, I'm just saying. There are certain DO'S and DON'T'S to it.

DO--wear a mask
DON'T--show your face

DO--disguise your voice
DON'T--say your name

DO--kidnap someone rich
DON'T--kidnap someone who's homeless

You know? Anyway, if guy-who-lives-across-the-hall is reading this, know this, I will NOT retrieve contraband items that are you in your apartment. I will NOT be your human shield after you've retrieved contraband items. Also, if you are planning on being a kidnapper read the tips above here again.

I don't even know what he's on parole FROM though either. He could be like a harmless like I don't know, tax evader. Hmmm... that could be a great video game that the IRS should make. Tax Evaders! Who's with me?

The Love Corner Bistro

Siobhan has had this Feng Shui book and was telling me about it. It has this section on this thing called your "Love Corner". The Love Corner is in the southwest corner of your bedroom. Or to make it more simple, normally the corner to the far right of the doorway. It's also supposed to be if you entered your house and then went all the way to the back and to the right.

You're supposed to fill your love corner with things that are pink and red and white. And it's supposed to be clean and uncluttered. I did some more research, I also found that "A toilet in the southwest corner can be very negative on your love life. Hang a five rod windchime above the toilet." Nice. Can you imagine having a windchime above the toilet? I cannot.

My bedroom is red on one side and in the love corner. I think that's a good sign right? But I had some ladders and stepladders in my love corner. This is supposedly bad. I moved them. I also have a dead plant in my love corner. Oops. I don't even need to read the book to know that is bad.

A Stitch In Time

Last night, I made Clem stop with me so I could take a snap of this... Do you recognize it? These are the dresses that won the first three challenges of Project Runway. It's pretty cool that they are on display for everyone to see outside of the flagship Macy's on 34th St. Right after I finished taking the picture, this gaggle of 14 year olds came over and starting gawking at it too. You know what? That pageant dress doesn't look so awful close up.

A Dirty Job But Somebody Has To Do It

I just went on a ridiculous audition wherein I had to slow dance with some model and stick my face in her chest. It was one of this classic commercials where it's like ordinary average guys and super hot models. So the waiting room is hilarious. A guy on his way out said to me before I was going in, "This is the best audition EVER!"

I found it hard to disagree.

Note to Dudes with Rings

In preparation for my trip to Shea, I was reading to see what the deal is with umbrellas and stuff since it looks like it might rain. There's a section that talks about the scoreboard stuff. Apparently, it's free to request things to show up on the scoreboard. But there's one caveat:

"Marriage proposals are not permitted "

I wonder why that is? Maybe they've had bad luck with it in the past. Guys getting shot down and stuff. Or maybe the good people at Shea realize it's a really awful place for people to ask you to marry them. This summer I saw someone actually do that at a spring training game. Getting proposed to at a spring training game is 2 steps away from getting proposed to at a Little League game. It seems silly.

Love Train

Today, I went down the stairs to the pit of despair known as the 2nd Ave stop when it's hot in the summer and there's no trains waiting. And I was resigned to the fact that it was going to be packed. It was going to be sticky. And misery would love company because we all were going to be there. But instead?? There it was, like an old lover returning from some trip abroad. And passionate kisses as you embrace for the first time in weeks! My beloved V train! Was running again.

The V train is a wonderful train for 2nd Ave peeps because in the mornings, during rush hour, there's always one there. So even when the F isn't there, you can wait in a lovely air conditioned V till it arrives, or just take the V. The other secret about the V is that people are a bit xenophobic about the V. So less people take it. So there's a better chance to sit down.

But for the past couple days because of brownout probs in Queens and the city, they shut down the V. And basically tripled the number of F train riders at that point. Making it the pit of despair previously described. Joyously, that is no more.
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I learned an interesting factoid recently that is surprising and shocking. Polly's friend Gigi told me(she's taking a class on statistics) when the weatherman says there's a 30% chance of rain, it doesn't mean that there's a 30% chance that it will rain. What it means is there is a 30% chance that in the area you are at, that it will rain. Does that make sense? Like it means that in Manhattan it's raining somewhere for sure. But there's only a 30% chance that it will rain at one time where you are. And when it's 90% than at any given time 90% of Manhattan is raining.

Isn't that confusing? Isn't that misleading? I guess that's why they never explain that and we just act like there's a 10% chance of rain period.
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Going to Shea Stadium for the first time since I've lived in NYC. This is really odd because for like six months when I first moved to New York, I lived in Flushing, right by Shea Stadium. But did I go? No. So the last time I went to Shea was like in 1988 when I saw David Cone pitch with basically that World Series team. Maybe I was waiting for the Mets to get good again. I feel like this year, if they had a subway series again, the Mets could beat the Yanks. That last Subway series was a joke. I remember watching at my (then) girlfriend's place and she said to me, "Why are you bothering? They're just going to lose." She was right. But not THIS YEAR! It should be noted I'm a National's fan now and we're in last place. So she's still right.

Fantastic Crossword Idea

One time "57" and I were shooting the breeze and we somehow stumbled onto the conversation of 'Bands that Have Literary References In Their Name'. I was just trying to remember these and then further trying to figure out what is a good way to utilize this list and then it hit me. This would be a fantastic crossword. But I need more names. Here's what I got so far...

The Boo Radley's(To Kill A Mockingbird)
Shakespeare's Sister(Obvs)
Veruca Salt(Willy Wonka)
Uriah Heep(From Dickens, David Copperfield)
Baskervilles(Sherlock Holmes)
Moby(Melville)
Elysian Fields(Tennyson)
The Divine Comedy(Dante Alighieri)
Toto(Wizard of Oz)

So I need about like oh 54 more names.... This could take some work. If I finish this, I will post the completed crossword.

A Point of Fact

There's nothing to do when the toilet you've just used starts overflowing in the bathroom of a restaurant but run like the wind. And never return to that restaurant ever again. Don't make that classic villain blunder by returning to the scene of the crime!

Putting The Call Out: Ya Got Soul?

So a bit of bad news... Huck Slim is losing another man. Man down! Vince, our mando player is leaving to go to DC to become a booze distributor. If I had a nickel for every friend who went got suckered for those get rich liquor distributorship schemes.... Sidenote: That's a hard word to say. Distributorship. Is it a word? Maybe it should just be distributor. No matter. the important thing is---if you know someone who plays the mandolin, send them my way. If you know someone who plays the fiddle. Send them my way. If you know someone who plays drums, who plays the bass. Send them my way. If you know someone who plays the upright bass, PLEASE SEND THEM MY WAY. If you are a tambourine girl, send yourself my way. If you are new to any of these instruments, I'm not averse to this either. So many great bands started when they could hardly play their instruments. This is not an obstacle! Okay, now to compose my Committmentsesque Craigslist ad...

Building A Better Hooters

Yesterday, I went to Hooters to watch the end of the World Cup final. We had selected Hooters because we thought it wouldn't be that busy at all compared to a regular sports bar. We were pretty much right. I think I've been to a Hooters three times in my life. But yesterday I realized something: Hooters isn't as cool as it should be. In fact, it's kind of lame. Because the outfits? They suck. First off, they don't even LOOK good. So what's the point behind them? Those orange shorts? They look like something from Flash Dance. 2nd, the t-shirts don't look so hot either. So I propose a costume shift. If I was going to manage Hooters, I would go for let's say Daisy Duke shorts(cut-off jean shorts) and then like maybe a gingham top tied off at the the belly button. I guess that's going for Daisy Duke all the way. What's wrong with that? Anyway, my point being, let's develop something here where the girls look good, and feel good, and everyone can get on board with having this place be not an exercise in humiliation. Doesn't that seem fair? Just let girls wear something that looks great and guys will come. Trust me. Face it, I'd be an awesome boss.

Yet Another Fashion Don't...

Okay, so the Italians won the World Cup. Yay. Bully for them. But isn't everyone wondering what that guy said to Zidane to warrant him giving a full headbutt and ending his career on a redcard? Actually, isn't everyone wondering what is that Italian guy thinking who was wearing an Italy Dr. Seuss hat? He wasn't a fan, it was an actual player on Italy. And he didn't just wear it, he put it over the World Cup at one point. I'm trying to find a picture of it but it's difficult. Everyone knows it's shameful! Anyway, I've circled the offending hat in this picture. You can get an idea.

Doggin' It

This is a little late, but whatevs. Went to Coney Island on the 4th for the hot dog eating contest along with supposedly 25,000 other people and ESPN. If you follow this at all, you know that for the past like five years this cat from Japan has stolen our hot dog eating crown. He hasn't just stolen it, he's obliterated the competition. The contest started in 1984 and the winner logged in at around 9 dogs. Then Kobayashi stormed onto the scene with like 50 dogs, bested the record by like 25 dogs. Well, this year, Joey Chestnut, the great white American hope was there to try and win back the mustard belt. He was leading until the last three minutes and then Kobayashi kept steaming along, and pulled ahead. Final scores? Joey Chestnut 51 dogs, Kobayashi with 53 and 3/4 dogs. Disgusting? Yes. But riveting. Human drama at its finest. I have a small movie from it too (which I'll upload later) where you can hear the announcer guy who is a world class ham. He'll say things like, "The Four Horseman of the Esophagus". Plus he'll alert to the these people's various crowns of World Champion of Ice Cream Eating, Tiramasu Eating, Jalapeno Poppers Eating, etc. I have to say the pepper eating is impressive. That requires a steel stomach. I read something the other day that said the habanero pepper is like 150 times hotter than a jalapeno. Yeesh. Anyway, here are some pics....

The hot dog contestants stuff their faces. You are allowed to dunk the buns in water, but you must eat both bun and dog.

The champs, Joey Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi. Note, they are both thin, especially Takeru. Takeru's secret? Invention of double dog eating. Previously, people would just eat one dog at a time. He eats two at a time, plus he invented the dunking of the buns too. Presumably, this eliminates air which would otherwise fill up your stomach.

The totes: Note: The spiderwoman takes third place! Not only does she hold the record for women, but she dusted the rest of the guys with 38 dogs. Also, she is not fat either. Perhaps competitive eating is good exercise? You'll also note the scoreboard has started to countdown till next year's July 4th Hot Dog contest.

The only reaction you can have afterwards. Gross!

Blunt songs and Cat googling

Porter has a comic strip that had a plot line where some guy never wanted to hear that James Blunt Song "You're Beautiful". Because I am unhip and never listen to the radio anymore, I never heard that song until recently. And I have to say, it's pretty darn catchy. And then you start listening to the lyrics and you realize this song isn't about anything interesting at all. He saw a girl on a subway and he thought she was beautiful but they'll never meet again. That's it. Three verses on it too! Oh and he was high too when he saw her. He is James BLUNT afterall. This guy basically shows you that you can write a song about anything if you encase it in a poppy tune like a hotdog. A popdog! I'm such a wordsmith I just fused popsong and hotdog into one word. I feel like Ben Franklin or something. That being said, you can write a song about anything but sometimes you shouldn't. For instance, I think one of the worst songs in the history of the world is Lynyrd Skynyrd's "That Smell". Not only is it dumb for being a really lame tune, but it's dumb because that smell is the the smell of their bandmate having gotten run over on the road and is lying under the tour bus. Sure, this would shake you up. But I say, Lynyrd--don't write a song about that smell. Write it in your diary, talk about it in some documentary, maybe even get a tattoo that says "smell". But don't immortalize it in an awful song. It's like if all your life you wanted to be in a popsong(I'm making it one word)and then there you are listed as one of the girls in Mambo #5.
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In other news, I was watching HBO this weekend and they had Catwoman on----if you haven't seen this movie, don't, but if it's on tv, you should watch it. It proves that Halle Berry while beautiful,(You're Beautiful, it's true!)isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. Why would you agree to do such a piece of crap? Answer: Because you think it's good. The best part of the movie is when she meets some crazy cat lady professor type who messes with her mind by telling her she's reborn as a cat and she doesn't believe her and she goes away back home and then goes onto the web and googles, "history of cats" as if that will teach her about herself. It's a shameless "computers are cool" moment that leads to nothing. In any event, the funniest portion of the cat lady scene is where the cat lady like shakes a ball with catnip at her and Halle Berry acts like a cat would with such a ball. I am not making this up. This actually happens. On a sidenote, I watched Firewall and it's pretty stupid too, but the one bright spot is that Chloe from 24 is in it. Shockingly, her character isn't a computer whiz though.