TWIB Notes

Got back last night. I must remember to always fly to LGA if I can help it. JFK is too far and too expensive a cab ride. $45 flat fee, but then there's the tolls and what am I not gonna tip the guy? Sixty bucks all told.

Anyway, here's a play-by-play from Spring Training. If you don't like baseball, maybe you should skip this entry. Unless you like hotdogs. Then there's still something to get excited about.

Thursday
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Game 1: Orioles vs. Nats in Viera at Space Coast Stadium.
Seats: Third base line, 8th row.

The Nats stadium is like a glorified high school field. Scoreboard is by hand. Brew selection is limited(basically #1 and #2 Bud and Bud Light). Concessions too(They cover the Take Me Out To The Ballgame staples, but barely. Popcorn, peanuts, crackerjacks, and hot dogs. I don't even think there was ice cream.) Their dog is ok but pretty ho hum. It started to rain in the 9th. But in spite of all this, it didn't matter because watching the Nats has a new great element to it. Watching Soriano play left. If you aren't baseball fans, or maybe not Nats fans, I'll catch you up to speed. Soriano normally plays 2nd base. But the Nats already have a 2nd baseman in Jose Vidro. So Frank Robinson(Manager) wanted Sori to play left and on Monday, he refused. So they had a talk and the Nats basically threatened to put him on the disqualified list(meaning he would not get his 10 million dollar salary this year). So what do you know? Wed he starts playing in left. He's never played the outfield before. And you can tell. So every ball hit his way is an adventure. Followed by a healthy chorus of cat calls seemingly at whatever he does. This amused us everytime we saw the Nats. I imagine it's going to be fun all season long.

No Kevin Millar playing. That was a little disappointing. But we see Tejada(looks a little chunky). No Mora and no Brian Roberts. Still, the Nats win, 1-0.

Friday
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Game 2: Cardinals vs. Mets in Jupiter at Roger Dean Stadium.
Seats: Third base line, 2nd row.

Roger Dean is such a delight after the Nats Little League field that we are besides ourselves. Everything's better! The seats are wider, there's cup holders. There's a jumbo tron. A real scoreboard with players stats. Music. A couple of alternate beers to choose from. And a massive concession selection to choose from. Best part of the day? Ricky Henderson walks past us saying something to the crowd. "I already been there before!" What was this in response too? We'll never know.

Style points to Junior Spivey wearing candy cane socks that recall the Lolliop Guild from Wizard of Oz. Tom Glavine goes into the 6th. Albert and Edmonds both go yard. But the Mets put a beat down on the Cards, 12-2. Life is good.

Saturday
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Game 3: Cardinals vs. Dodgers in Jupiter at Roger Dean Stadium
Seats: Left field bleachers.

There's a reason it's easy to get tickets in the bleachers. The bleachers suck. To review, in the bleachers, there's no seat designation. You have a seat, but there's no official space where your seat ends and the other begins. You're all stuck together. Plus there's no shade whatsoever. With the fair skin of being a Shelk, this is dangerous. The one bright spot of sitting in the bleachers was getting a foul ball hit right next to me. And I'll admit this, although it's shameful---I was the closest dude to the ball. But I was holding a beer at the time. So I balked on catching the fly and decided to wait for the bounce instead. However, the bounce lead to a scramble which I lost. The shameful part? I didn't want to be That Guy Who Dropped The Ball. In Camden, if you catch a flyball, they show a thing up on the Jumbotron to say, "Give That Fan A Contract!" You know what they do if you don't catch it? They do the same thing everywhere. They boo. And in Roger Dean Stadium, they put a sound effect up that makes a "doink!" noise. So I didn't want that to happen.

I also tried the Dean Dog. Which is a freaking huge genetically engineered super dawg. It's 1/3 lb. That's a lot of wiener. I decided it was too much. I was not man enough for that much wiener.

Big Red Beats Big Blue 5-1. Big Fat Sir Sidney wins while Brad Penny eats crow.

Sunday
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Game 4: Dodgers vs. Braves in Vero Beach, at Holman Stadium
Seats: Third base line, 8th row.

There's a sign as you approach: Dodgertown. But Dodgertown is more like a Dodgervillage. It's definitely in the middle between Rodger Dean and Spacecoast. The concessions are good. There's bbq, ice cream, some exotic(for these parks) brews, a good sized dog, even arepas! But there's no jumbotron. And the scoreboard just says their name and not their stats. But mostly I was disappointed in the Dodgers fans. Where was this Big Blue frenzy? It did not exist. They all relaxed as if at a picnic. And sure, it's Spring Training, but the Cards' fans and the Braves fans were rabid. The Dodgers fans were little furry bunnies.

The Dodgers are now managed by ex-Sawks skipper Grady Little. Is it coincidence they also now have Garciaparra and Bill Mueller? I don't think so. This is a stud team. They also have Jeff Kent and Furcal at short.

Note to Nomar lovers: It is true, he is nice to the kids. He stayed for quite a while afterwards signing autographs.

I got some ice cream too. It was served in a hat. Is there anything better than eating ice cream out of a little plastic hat? There probably is. But not many. Dodgers edge the Braves, 3-2. Dodgers fans rejoice, but quietly and politely. Golf claps.

Monday
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Game 5: Cardinals vs. Nationals in Jupiter at Roger Dean Stadium
Seats: Third base line, 14th row.

Good ol' Roger Dean. And once again, more Adventures In The Outfield. I always thought Nick Johnson reminded me of Babe Ruth when he was on the Yanks. He was one of the few Yanks that I liked. So it's sorta nice that he's on the Nats now. Come to think of it, I always liked Soriano too. You gotta like a guy who has his socks pulled up old school. Mad respect yo'. For the game. The highlight of this game was probably getting peanuts. It's really the best ballpark food after the dog. Because it lasts forever. It takes your mind of the game. It's soothing and methodical, getting the nuts out of the shell. And finally, it's fun to be messy and throw shells at your feet. I feel like elephants miss so much because they just eat them with the shells on. Our next door neighbor Mark Lager used to do this too. I still find this odd.

I think I will also take this time to tell you that the Nats look awful this year. There's very few bright spots. Vidro looks like he's getting better though. But Pedro Astacio and the Nats get stomped 7-0.


Tuesday
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Game 6: Braves vs Astros in Kissimmee at Osceola County Stadium
Seats: Behind home plate, row 21

We though there was nothing that could best Roger Dean but the 'Stros stadium was up to the challenge. Not sure they bested them, but it was close. Let's run through the litany. Concessions? Check. Brews? Check. Scoreboard is nice. No jumbotron and no stats on the scoreboard. But the whole of the infield has a roof which Roger Dean doesn't have. Plus, we easily had the best seats of the week. So it was hard to discount this. And both teams had their starting line-ups in. The only thing we didn't get was good starting pitchers. It was Wandy Rodiguez for the 'Stros. Wandy? What kind of name is that? Note to my sister: Do not call your child Wandy. I also have to say seeing Chipper Jones up close makes me dislike him even more. He's an ugly man. He doesn't get better up close. But the man can hit. Wandy got clobbered in our game and then settled down. We had to leave at the end of five though. Got a brew and a jumbo dog in though.

Looks like the Braves held on to win 5-4.

Clearwater and LRH

I just realized after reading the article on Scientology in Rolling Stone that I will be traveling to the Scientology capital of the world. Which is Clearwater, Florida also home of the spring training of the Philadelphia Phillies. I wonder what the fightin' Phils think about this? Also, is it any wonder that the Philly mascot is a fanatic then? It's all making sense now!

I find it sad that Tom Cruise can be such an engaging actor on screen but such a loony tune in real life. I guess that means he is a really good actor. But still, it's sad. That being said, I knew a long time ago that Tom was crazy. It's his laugh. That's the only thing he can't act well with. It's the one hint of his utter insane nature. You see the madman there. It's like where all the seams of his sane exterior are sewn together. I kind of want to trace back and see all of his old movies when he's laughing to check my theory. Does he laugh in Taps? The Outsiders?

I also had a theory that Mimi should speak out about what Tom is really like and did she know he was crazy and all of that. Because obviously Nicole isn't going to--she still has a career. The problem though as I discovered in the RS article is that Mimi is a Scientologist too. Hopefully, Katie will emerge and tell tales. You can tell she's starting to realize this isn't a great idea what with Tom trying to get her to sign over their baby solely to him legally so that he can raise the kid as a devotee to LRH. (That's short for L. Ron Hubbard for the tragically unhip.)

In other news, my camera screen appears to be broken. Not sure how that happened but I think it's still under warranty. Still, this means possibly no spring training photos.

Marvelous Nathan Haggler: A Bed Time Story

[I am going to regale you with a fascinating bed buying story. Enjoy!] After ten years, I finally decided my old bed was finally worn out. So I asked her for the ball, and tapped my left arm and to the bullpen, signalling for... (a left handed bed? This metaphor has become confusing) a new bed. Sorry, I'm in a baseball mood right now. In any event, I set about to buy a new bed. I was going to just 1-800 Mattress it but then I decided I wanted to try it out beforehand. So I went to Sleepy's. The place was a ghost town. I was the only customer.

And the sale started. First off, I was a little concerned how quickly the saleswoman changed the price for me. I knew going in that it was going to be all about haggling. But I hate that. There's nothing less I'd like to do in the world than to engage in that timeless art. But she seemed like she wanted to, so I indulged her. Here were a couple of power moves of mine:

"I want to get a queen size this time, but the full price is more what I was thinking to spend." To which she responded with, "What if I give you the queen for the full price?" Sure lady, what not?

And then, "Hmmm... I like the Sealy more than the Kingsdown, but it's quite a price difference." The saleslady, "What if I give the Sealy for the Kingsdown price?" I see no reason to argue with this.

And finally, my big move which wasn't even a power move on mine. None of these were. But I asked her if I could have her card, b/c I wanted to go have lunch and think about it. She said, "What is it going to take for you to not go have lunch right now?" I said, well, getting the frame and free delivery/removal of old mattress would be nice. And so it was done.

I signed on the dotted line. Because I am a Shelkey, I couldn't resist investigating into my buyer's remorse. There was a mattress by the same brand on 1800 that seemed to be the same price maybe even cheaper. But there's the thing---the Mattress Manufacturers and stores are evil. They make the same mattress but call it different names for different stores. So the one you looked at Macy's might be called the Posturpedic Satin Finish Pillowtop. And then the one at Sleepy's is called the Posturpedic Shiny Finish Funtop. (It was not actually called this, but if given the choice, I would buy the Funtop.) So I still don't know if it was a good deal or not. I mean, I talked her down about four hundred some dollars but I didn't even really try.
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Further drama, on Sunday when they delivered the bed. I got Jake in the bathroom but didn't get 'Bert in time when the delivery dudes came in. They didn't listen to me when I said wait, and 'Bert got out. First time he's been free his whole life! He scrambled down like two floors and started making these horrible yowling noises. A man came out and asked me if my cat was alright. I said he was, he was just scared. Which he was. By the time I got 'Bert back into the apartment and into the bathroom, he was pretty frightened. After the delivery dudes left, and I opened the bathroom door again, 'Bert didn't came out for two hours.

It just goes to show you how bullies really are wimps. 'Bert is such a tough dude normally. Bullying Jake, and being feisty. But he got real shy, real quick. Still, maybe that's because Jake seems like he might be autistic. Who knows? All i know is everything's fine right now and I am crossing my fingers that 'Bert isn't eating my new comforter and sheets that I just bought. Time will tell.

Grapefruit League

So here's something. Next week, my dad and I are going to Spring Training in Florida! I'm pretty excited. Going for like four or five days. We'll see the O's, Braves, Nats, Braves, Dodgers, Mets, Cards, Astros, maybe the Pirates and Phils, and if we are lucky the Yanks. Hopefully, by the end of the week, we'll be able to convince Soriano to play the outfield for the Nats. Some questions: Do I bring the mitt? Which hats do I wear? Do we try to get autographs?

In other news, 'Bert and Jake seem to like the wheatgrass. They munch on it occasionally. I haven't left out the sock yet. But I think I might do this when I'm away. It's perfect, it'll be irresistible.

Finally, Huck Slim if you hadn't heard made it past the first round of that Emergenza Festival thingie and end of April, we're playing at the Bitter End in the quarter finals as a result. Rawk!

Currently, I am slowly having my bracket destroyed in March Madness. These are the state of things.

The Green Grocer

So Huck Slim is playing at Arlene's Grocery tomorrow. If I didn't already send you a plug about it, or if you are one of the people who keep coming to this blog to read about elephant sex, you can also come to the show tomorrow. It's at 10:30 pm. Go to huckslim.com for details!

-Nate

Educating Roberto, #3

So finally I got off my lazy butt and went to the pet store to get some materials for the experiment. The pet store that I go to is hilarious. It's a store I used to make fun of before I had cats. The store is called Whiskers and underneath it says, "Holistic Pet Care". But it's actually a pretty cool store and everyone is very nice. Plus, they understand the nature of research that I'm doing. (Sidenote: It's a little incongruous that you can buy stuff like pig ears at a pet store. That seems wrong, doesn't it?)

They have quite a few different bits of grass to buy. You can grow it yourself, which I briefly thought about doing but then decided I was too lazy. So I got a little bit of it pre-fab. It's basically about a 4" square of grass and it's 4" high. Optimum grazing height.

I also went to K-Mart and got a water bottle. To spray Roberto when he's doing something wrong. I was unprepared before and my couch and dresser were the casualties of war.

I laid the grass out last night. They were supicious of it at first. Who was this invader? But after a couple of hours, they started to chomp on it. The question is will it work? As of this weekend, it 'Bert still had the jones for clothes as I think he bit a piece out of my friend Mia's shirt.

People really don't understand how careful you have to be with your clothes around 'Bert. It's like living with a bear. You have to put everything up at a height he can't reach, at a place he can't climb or jump to. Right now, the three safe zones in my apartment are the congas, the bathroom, and my closet. And the closet isn't 100% secure.

But people always forget to close the bathroom door, and that's their fatal mistake. It's like that Grizzly Man guy. He basically did the same thing metaphorically. He got too comfortable living with those beasts and thought he was safe. But he totes left the bathroom door opened. And he got chomped.

So next step, is to tempt 'Bert with a sock covered with bitter apple. And stay nearby with the squirt bottle. My scientist brain was thinking that you have to be sparing with the squirt bottle b/c you don't want the effect to wear off and it not be irritating anymore. And dare I say it, they begin to like it!

Trickling Down

There's a trend happening right now and I'm here to call attention to it. I want it to stop. It's a bit like when you are young and you start imitating your parents. But that's what's confusing. When you are older, don't you imitate your friends? You pick up their little silly words and phrases. It's hard to believe though that you'd pick them up from your president. And yet here we are, and people are doing just that.

I like to call it Cowboy Talk. It's pretty easy to do. You just pretend you are a real cowboy. And you use euphemisms that would make sense to a cowboy. So you'll say, "We're going to smoke 'em out of their holes." "Wanted: Dead or Alive" And the like. But it doesn't just have to be something rural and 1800's minded. No, it can be a certain phrase.

"Make no mistake", this phrase is sweeping the nation. I hear it everywhere! The girl who sits next to me just used it. I read a sports column today and the writer threw it out. It's getting to the point where it's being twisted beyond recognition. Like in highschool where you call your teacher a fascist b/c they gave you a pop quiz. Or when people in CCD got upset b/c someone called Jesus a communist.

The problem is people are employing the phrase in situations where no one would ever make a mistake. Maybe I too will champion this phrase into oblvion:

--Make no mistake, I'm going to order pepperoni on my pizza!
--Make no mistake, I'm going to take a nap when I'm tired!
--Make no mistake, I'm going to watch Lost tonight!
--Make no mistake, that was a pretty impressive bowel movement!

If Shakespeare wrote Julius Caesar today, it would read, "Make no mistake, Brutus is an honorable man." Wait, that would make sense. I'm using the rhetorical technique in the correct way. I made a mistake!