Faking It

So last night Huck Slim went to an open mic. And there was a couple of old timers at the bar(it was that kind of bar). And one guy obviously liked us and the songs. He said to me, "You look like Roy Clark. From far away." And then he asked if I knew who that was. I said of course! Which is what I tend to say in situations like that. You don't want to let people down. So then later I look them up.

Now there's someone else to add to the list of people people say I look like....

I think the most important thing rather than whether the fact this is flattering or not is the fact that Roy Clark, in addition to being a well musician and guitar and banjo virutoso, is the dude who hosted Hee Haw. Isn't that enough? Dudes got SKILLZ.

Mr. Clean

Yesterday, I purchased a Swiffer for the first time. I've yet to try it out but I'm envisioning a near utopian existence as far as cleanliness goes. You see, I've no vacuum. And I've got hardwood floors. So normally, I sweep. And every once in a while, I mop. But with two growing boys(cats), there's a lot of cleaning to do. We'll see how this goes.
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I also tried that guitar game for the PlayStation at Flynn's. Guitar Hero, I think it's called. It was fun but frustrating. Because I CAN play guitar. However, I am no good at Guitar Hero. If you are no good at Guitar Hero, the rest of the band stops the song. Do you know how embarrassing that is? Even if it's just a made-up cyber based band, it still stings. But I should have known I wasn't up to "More Than A Feeling". Like Alanis sings, you live, you learn.
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Also, for those following along at home, I've yet to introduce Phase Two the Educating Roberto experiment. Phase Two is buying some wheat grass for him to graze. This weekend I am installing a range for the cats to roam. But I threw away 'Bert's eat blanky. He's sure to be jonesin' right now.
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And finally, I've been reading some Sherlock Holmes stories again. And I had forgotten that the Case of the Five Pips is about the KKK. And I was curious if Gladys Knight & the Pips was like an allusion to that. You know, sort of twisting it. It would make sense. Her last name, and the Pips. In the story, supposedly, KKK dudes would send their victim some orange pips in the mail before they went after them. Must research this. V. fascinating. If true, Gladys Knight becomes even cooler in my book. If not, must mean Gladys and the boys just like oranges. Or maybe the Pips were short? Or huge fans of Great Expectations and C. Dickens? See how many questions this brings up?

There's A New Name In Town

I encountered someone with a really rather ridiculous name at an audition yesterday. And it made me think of other people that I knew in life who had peculiar names. In particular, people that had made-up names. Like this guy named Bill Stone in college. About a month into college for him, he decided he wanted to just go as "Stone". You know, all Madonna and Prince and one-wordy. It wasn't so much like he just wanted to go by his last name. He wanted to go by one name.

Only the thing is, you can't decide that a month into college. It's too late. Everybody knows your name by then. (Think about it, imagine if at Cheers(where everybody knows your name) Cliff Claven all of a sudden decided people should call him C.C. It would be difficult. Especially for Cliff. I doubt anyone would ever call Cliff what he wanted them to call him.) And the people that don't will soon find out. Someone will whisper into their ear, "His real name is Bill". The secret to these things, I've decided, is that you start with it from Day One. You move someplace and then tell people that your name is El Diablo. (You can explain, "I'm a child of Satan" or something if people give you guff about your new moniker.) That way, nobody knows any different.

Another difficult maneuver is trying to change the spelling of your name. One of our best friends was this guy Dan Bernath. In 9th grade, maybe it was 10th. He decided he hated how it looked as D-a-n. So he changed it to, D-h-a-n. Everything he wrote it was Dhan then. Papers. Permission slips. Sign-ups. I think he even spelled it Dhan on the PSATs. But it didn't matter. The machine of the school crushed D-h-a-n. And by junior year, it was back to Dan.

Probably the secret is to not name your kids fanciful names nor name them with boring names. The fanciful kids are going to get beat up. The boring names are soon going to rebel with ridiculous variations like Dhan. Dhan breeds brothers and sisters like Aimee and Jenni and Tymothy.

And if you do end up with a crappy name, move to a new town and stick with that one. Like when Shane comes to town. Or MacGyver. Nobody knows their real names. Their first names. Which are probably hideous. But they're safe. Because nobody knows their name.

Swimming In It

[Ok, first things first. When you log onto blogger, today they've changed their logo so that it's a heart. What a big ball of gouda. That's a little sidenote to start things off, but I'll open now for realsie.]

There are like 27" of snow on the ground and it's slowly melting. When you are walking from street to street, there is always a horrible moment of trying to navigate the mini-fjords that have formed at each corner. There's so much slush around it makes you feel like you are walking in a giant slurpee. (Which begs a side question: Do Eskimos enjoy slurpees? Ice cream? Or are like all the desserts warm?)

Which makes me miss slurpees. When's the last time I've had one? Some people are upset that there are some Seven Eleven's invading the City but I'm actually excited. Sev's make me think of home. (I think the last time I had a slurpee I was with my brother and Meredith. He was filling up the car so we went inside to get some slurpees. I got Coke flavored(the classic) and she got him like Cherry or something. When we got back to the car, he was pissed she didn't get him Coke. This is an ongoing decision process in the Slurpee World. You know Coke is always going to be good. But there's a chance one of the other flavors might trump it. And you always wonder if you made the right choice. Slow and steady wins the race? Or go for the gold?)

But the giant slurpee makes me think of commercials that used to come on when I was growing up about hotels in the Poconos. It was some sort of romantic hotel, b/c the rooms would have been heart shaped beds and the coup de gras being the bathtub, which was a giant champagne glass. I'm not really sure you get into those things. Maybe it's like a 2 story room, or there is stairs, or something. But they look pretty cool to an eight year old. You think to yourself, when I grow up, that's what I'll do. I'll take my woman there. Class things up a bit. Show her a good time.

Being an eight year old, you'll also wonder if the thing is filled with real champagne. And also, because you haven't really been around champagne that much, you'll wonder what it would be like if it was filled with Coke! What if you had like a whole swimming pool full of Coke? Wouldn't that be rad?

Twenty-three years later, I still think it would be pretty cool.

Waiting Out The Storm

Roberto and I are waiting out the storm. Jake is staying on the couch.

This is the view from our window.



We're still waiting.

No Comment

From AM New York...

"Burt, a Boston terrier, refuses to speak to the press during a press conference about the arrest and indictment of Steven Vassall, who allegedly posed as a veterinarian, at the District Attorney's office in Brooklyn Wednesday. Burt and his owner were victims of the alleged scam.
(Joel Cairo)
Feb. 8, 2006"

Time Warner Presents, Nate's Countdown To Cable

It has been almost two years since I have bathed myself in that lovely blue glow of digital cable. On Saturday, I am going bathing again! People have asked me(it's true, people stop me on the street and ask me this stuff)...

PERSON ON STREET: Nate, is this like regular cable or like fancy cable?

And to that I say, FANCY CABLE! Honestly, I don't understand why people get standard or basic cable. The Shelkey house had basic cable for a number of years. But basic cable essentially just means you get NBC, ABC, CBS, and FOX and they're not fuzzy, and you get E! At first, there was a huge "gee whiz" factor to just having cable. I don't know if you've lived in an area that didn't have cable and then all of a sudden it does. But it's exciting. Those workman come along and plant a little mushroom(a magic mushroom) in your lawn that says CTV in beautiful terse letters proclaiming that yes, the Shelkey's HAVE ARRIVED. There was a similar proclaimation in our neighbhorhood the day we got POWER WINDOWS in our station wagon.

PERSON ON STREET: Nate, how did you manage to not become a spoiled brat in the face of such decadent luxury?

It wasn't easy. But I did survive. And after living in the wilderness and self-inflicted hair shirt of non-cable for two years I am back. Plus, I am gettign DVR. That means no more Nate being behind the times when it comes to Lost or 24 not to mention any trashy reality tv show that I feel like being snarky about. I can watch them all!

PERSON ON STREET: Nate, isn't it true that your Mom has DVR? Isn't it a little embarrassing that your parents got this before you?

Yes, and yes. It hurts. But you know that builds character. It's like Henry Wadsworth Longfellow used to say, "Into each life some rain must fall". But all this will end soon. The Countdown To Cable has begun. THREE DAYS!

Elf Men

I like to think that Jenna Elfman's ancestors were an intermixing of Elf and Humans. And that her last name is the lasting result of that. You know just how like someone who's named Sarah Baker, her family used to be bakers. Or that Jack Johnson was the son of John. Which when you think of it, is a family with out a lot of a originality in naming.

Reading Metro this morning, there's an interview with Elfman about her new sitcom that's coming out. She talks about how she had a hand in the creation elements of the show, including and I quote, "I also particularly wanted to increase the aesthetic value of the sitcom, to kick up the style of of the furniture and wardrobe a notch. I want viewers to love the characters and to find the show nice to look at, very pleasing to the eye." I cannot think of a sitcom that I have watched in the last 25 years of my life(I don't think I can remember sitcoms very well when I was younger than that) that I was displeased with the FURNITURE or the WARDROBE. I suppose it's appropriate that this sort of comment would be made during Fashion Week here in NYC.

In any event, I can promise you, Dear Reader, that I will in all probability watch the first show just to see how much she really amped the normal props/costumes element. Personally, I would think you'd want to invest most heavily in writing and casting. But this could be one of those situations where they say, "We could get a $20 million star, two $10 millions, or 20 $1 millions". But in this case it will be four twenty five thousand dollar 'stars' and ten million on furniture and nine point nine mill on wardrobe. And monkeys for writers.

Parting Shots

Been reading the recaps of the Super Bowl. Just came across this line in an article about Jerome Bettis who retired after winning the game. Here is what some dude wrote about him, "The image that will endure from Super Bowl XL? Jerome Bettis, beaming and clutching the Vince Lombardi Trophy in his pudgy hand."

Nice. The guy is the 5th leading rusher all time in the NFl. But the image that will endure is his pudgy hand. Why did the writer include 'pudgy'? Was it that necessary? When Billy Wilder won his Lifetime Achievement Oscar, was the enduring image his smiling shriveled face?

Photo Synthesis

Unwittingly, sometimes I will name my blog entires in EW/US Weekly style. Please forgive. Anyway, these are some unrelated pictures that I had in my camera lately. So I thought I'd just share them. Pretend this is show & tell. This is what I brought in...


ALLIGATORS DO GROW IN THE SEWER! PROOF!

I took this picture in the subway at 14th St on the A/C/E. It's prolly one of my favorite pieces of subway art. I also like the Alice and Wonderland stuff at 50th St station on the 1/9.


STATEN ISLAND FAIRY

This is my friend Third Degree Burns! We are on the Staten Island Ferry filming this Channel 102 thingie that's a parody of Sex and the City but it's set on Staten Island. And Sarah plays the Sarah Jessica Parker esque character. I play the Miranda one. Look for it soon!


A VIEW FROM A BRIDGE

This is a shot I took from right near the Roosevelt Island tram. Pretty, ain't it?


A giant neon sign in mid-town proclaiming milf. Saw this after an Arsenal show. We thought it was worth a snap.

Totes sidenote: How much do I really hate Chris Berman? He ALWAYS has to quote songs when he reports and it's so irritating. He just said, "I can't get no satisfaction, I guess the folks in Pittsburgh, PA don't have to sing that tonight". Really pithy Chris. Way to wrap it up.

Ugh.

Anyway... GO STEEL!

ESPN: The Mayne Event

Short pluggy before the weekend! I'll be on another Kenny Mayne story on Sunday @ 12:20 pm EST. Watch it if you get a chance on ESPN. If not, I should have it up on the site in a few days. But still---here's your chance to see it live. As always, my work is compelling and gripping. I play a protester at the U.N.(with some other UCB peeps).

Poor Prior Planning = ....

I've made some tough decisions lately. I've sat down with myself and gone over my finances. My 401k. My checking account. My credit cards. My savings account(which really should reside in the same novelty section as rubber chickens and whoopie cushions as it's a practical joke). I've taken all of this information and rigorously run this through the ol' noodle(taps head). And I've come to a sober realization of what I need to do to realize my financial goals.

I need to make two million dollars.

You see, I've decided that I want to buy a townhouse in Manhattan. Don't worry, I've already found one. It's in Chelsea. And it's a carriage house one. Which means, it's quieter. And it's got a garage. It's four floors. It was built in 1905. There's a 'large mature garden with unusual trees and perennials'. There's a finished basement with professional screening room to show those Channel 102 dailies. And an 800 bottle wine storage. (You people know me, what a wine enthusiaast I am!) I mean, it's just perfect. It's on 22nd St, near 7th Ave. Here's the only rub:

It's five million dollars.

But you know what? I'm a reasonable man. I realize this is Manhattan and things are at a premium, especially real estate. That's what I've realized I need to make two million dollars. So I've devised a sound business plan to accomplish the goal of buying this townhouse. Basically I figured, I make a million dollars and I could invest that in some sort of account and just live off of the interest. It's fairly easy to find things like this at 4.5% So right away, that's like $45K in interest. Now, I need to have 20% down to get the townhouse though. So that's one million dollars. So that's the second million. Okay, But my mortgage for a 30 year jobber with taxes and everything then comes to like $24K a month. So how do I float that?

I'm glad you asked. You see, there's a total of five bedrooms in the whole place. So let's say I rent out four of those to my friends. That means I have to find four of my friends who want to live in an awesome townhouse for... $4800 a month. Hmmm.... maybe I need a third million. Wait, you know what? Why am I half-assing this. Why not just make a full five million?

Actually, I'm working at this the wrong way. Let's do it like a word problem. What amount of money should I make so that I can buy this townhouse, still make a good amount of money during the year, plus afford the mortgage, and have the amount i need to rent out to my friends be a reasonable amount for them to live there.

I've decided to make this even easier. If I have at least six million dollars, then I can buy the place outright. Pay the like $14,000 in yearly taxes on the place, and then I can rent out the place to my friends on the other floors if I want and I can set the rent at something totally reasonable.

Okay, so it's settled. I'm writing myself a check right now for six million dollars. You know what? I'm going to just round up. So I'm writing myself a check for ten million dollars today on February 3, 2006. Like Jim Carrey did before he was famous. I'll post date it too. I'll give myself five years. So February 2011. That's when I make my move and buy this townhouse.

If you guys want in on the townhouse, I'm accepting applications for roomies.