Idiot In The Morning

I don't like the sound of an alarm in the morning so instead of a tone, I opt for the radio on my clock/radio. For a long time, I woke to Howard Stern b/c he had the same effect for me as the alarm. I was annoyed at the sound, and I woke up. But now Howard has gone. But David Lee Roth is in his place.

And David is interesting b/c he's smarter than Howard. Which is good. But he also thinks he's smarter than he really is. For instance, this morning he was using the word "archetype" and "archetypical" in convo. He was talking with some chick who was on the Apprentice before. And about how she was the bad girl archetype. But he pronounced it "arctype". Now, I know it looks like that. And I know it also looks like it's ARCH-type. But it's not pronounced that way. It's supposed to be AR-ki-type. That's just the way it is. Some things will never change. (Cue Hornsby.)

But I know why he did this. It's because he's probably read it before. He's seen it in print. But the caliber of dude that's around Diamond Dave prolly never use this is their everyday repartee. So he's never heard the word out loud. He's never watched Bill Moyers interview Joseph Campbell about his book The Power of Myth.

We've all done this. I remember in college, I knew a girl named Tonya. And she was very smart. She was from Culpeper, Virginia. And I imagine she was prolly one of the smartest girls in her highschool. Really well read. But I bet she didn't have many friends that read like her. Because one day, she referred to one of those carpet-y things that hang on a wall. You know, a tapestry. Again, see Diamond Dave. You know how she pronounced it. TAPE-es-tree. Instead of TAP-es-tree.



But I am not immune. When I was in elementary school, I played D&D. And I remember one of the first modules(ugh, geek points risingly exponentially as I write this) that Brent and I played was called something like The Land of Chaos. And we pronounced it to rhyme with joust. So it was 'Chous' to us. But that was like sixth grade.

David Lee Roth is a grown man.

How Game Show Hosts Are Made

For whatever reason, while at Huck Slim rehearsal last night---we started talking about game show hosts. And I thought it would be interesting to see how game show hosts come about. Because so many of them, you don't know anything about them except that they are game show hosts.

The answers weren't that surprising. Please refer to my home made chart. As you can see, most of these dudes were actors. The most fascinating though was actually Regis. Regis was a talk show host. I don't mean to say that, that is surprising. Of course, he's famous for being a talk show host. What I mean is, his first real job in the business was as a talk show host. He sort of just sprung forth.

That's sort of an odd thing to be. I mean, I don't really know too many people that there desire is to be in and of itself a talk show host. But that's what Reeg's deal was.

A sad fact I learned was that Bert Convy died when he was 57. An interesting fact that I learned was that Richard Dawson was actually British. How do you like that? But he ran away to the U.S. when he was 14. And Truth Or Consequences was the first game show on television. It was also the first show on television. Check it out!

Educational Progress Report #1

So last night I began the teaching of young Roberto Shelkey. I sprayed the blanky eat shirt with the cursed bitter apple. Have you ever smelled/tasted/touched this stuff? It's pretty vile. It is sticky too. I wonder if it's supposed to trap the animal when they have done something wrong, so you can effectively Venus fly trap your couch or favorite sweater and catch them in the act. It seems to me you'd ruin your couch or sweater if you did this though. Maybe it washes off. Who knows?

After I sprayed, Roberto did what cats do. He was curious. So he went over and smelled and generally inspected his blanky eat shirt. There was no yuck face as I was hoping. Instead, he deemed the blanky eat shirt not worthy of taking a chunk out of right then. And he went back to rolling around on the bed. Chasing himself. I don't think cats really chase their tails but they definitely seem to make up imaginary friends and enemies.

The next step in this plan is to bitter apple something that would normally be irresistible. I remarked to Flynn last night that it's hard to tell if he puts a new hole in the blanky eat shirt b/c there's already like 30 holes in it. So I'm thinking of sacrificing a sock. This way if it works but the gunk is too pesky to get off the sock, no big deal. But also if Bert is unaffected and chomps on the sock, then that's no great loss either.

The label on the back of the gunk says to say, "No chewing!" right after the animal inspects it. I did this but I had the feeling it didn't mean much to Bert. It also says you can use it on the animal himself if you do catch him in the act. This seems cruel. Plus I've never caught him in the act. I've just seen him throwing up the little bits of clothing. He's kind of awesome in his way b/c right after he does this, he pretends its the most normal thing in the world.

The lesson continues...

Educating Roberto

Tonight, I am going to begin an experiment. I am crying to try and teach a cat a new trick. The trick is to not EAT HOLES IN MY CLOTHING. After consulting with some friends, I have a method in mind. The tool? Bitter apple. The delivery system? His favorite sweatshirt.

Now when I say his favorite sweatshirt, I mean that it used to be mine, and then he bit a hole into it and I decided it was no longer worth wearing with a hole in it and gave it to him. Then, he preceded to make it into a likeness of Charlie Brown's costume for Halloween and eat scores of holes. There are no fewer than 20 holes in this sweatshirt. It is also matted with a 2nd layer of cat hair. Yum.

And so, tonight, I'm going to try and take back the night. I'm putting some bitter apple on the sweatshirt in hopes that Roberto will take a bite, then make the Mr. Yuck face or whatever face cats make when they taste something they don't like.

Now, here's the tricky part. I'm fairly certain 'Bert will stop eating holes in his fave sweatshirt. But will he be able to utilize the transitive property of logic? Basically what I want him to do is use inductive logic. Which is to say:

My blanky eat shirt is a piece of clothing
My blanky eat shirt tastes like crap right now
All clothing tastes like crap now

Hopefully, 'Bert won't realize all it takes is trying another piece of clothing and realizing that it doesn't taste like crap, and he makes that into his new blanky eat shirt.

He's a cat. How smart are cats really? I intend to find out....

Improv Everywhere, Everywhere

So we did the annual No Pants mission yesterday and about eight people got detained by the police including Flynn, fellow Huck Slim member! Pretty exciting. And since there were like 9 different media outlets represented on the mission, it's exploding. Showing up everywhere. New York Times, Newsday, AP, Reuters, New York Post, New York Daily News...

It's ridic!

All The King's Men

Today, I met the guy who plays the King, in those Burger King commercials. We both did that bit for Kenny Mayne on ESPN. But what was great is he said to me, "Hey, were you Goat Dog?"

It's pretty awesome to have someone come up to you that you don't know and say that. It symbolizes that kind of cache I have.

Disturbing Trends

Reading Rolling Stone and ESPN today. Two things that bothered me.

#1 This paragraph from an article on Carmelo Anthony:

'Anthony recently signed a letter of intent to participate in a joint venture that includes Stan Lee, the famed creator of Spider-Man, to develop an animated DVD comic in which 'Melo plays basketball by night and fights crime by day. Lee is the right man for the job. His characters -- unlike, say, Superman -- exhibit a flawed humanity. Spider-Man tries to do right but is viewed with suspicion by police and the press. He pushes on, convinced that "with great power comes great responsibility." '

Ummm... how lame is that? Woe to the kids who actually buy this crap.

#2 Music industry complaining about how biz is drying up. And complaining about iTunes not charging enough for songs. Further complaining that the selling of singles is ruining profits. I'm sorry, I refuse to believe that the music industry is running out of money. This is like baseball owners complaining. They are RICH. Just b/c Mariah Carey's album sold 5 million this year and not 9.9 million like the #1 album by 'NSync sold in 2000, doesn't mean you still aren't making craploads of cash. Suck it up. There is also a lot about how concerts are failing too.

Well if concerts were not like $300 to see the Rolling Stones maybe it wouldn't be. Remember when it was like $25 to see a rock concert? I do.

Old man ranting is now done.

How Bloopers Went Downhill: DVD Extras

I used to complain about dvds that had lame special features sections. And by that I mean, they had no special features. In the beginning, lots of dvds had just the movie with Spanish or French subtitles. And that was about the extent you got. So it made you appreciate the wonderful director's commentary in The Usual Suspects. Or in Spinal Tap where it's really a second movie. Or in American Movie where those dudes don't realize how that movie makes them look. They don't seem to care. And it makes it such a wonderful commentary.

But today, you'd be hard pressed to find a movie released on dvd, that didn't have special features. (Oh, sidenote: the worst special feature ever was the photos and cast bio. Such a lame, afterthought kind of special feature. If you're watching a movie, the features should be moving too. Scrolling text is bush league.) But here's the problem: THEY'RE LAME.

I know how this works. They have a special crew assigned to those featurettes they make. I did a PBS mini-series and there would be these dudes going around interviewing people for it. And it's never anything juicy. If I were making one, that's what I'd focus on. I mean, that's what they should do. Have an independent third party do the featurerette's. And really put some time into the thing. So it's interesting to watch.

But I just watched Red Eye and for some reason, I tortured myself into watching the extra features. And they were lame as expected. But the worst was, they had a bloopers reel. And for the second half of the reel, you couldn't even tell what was going on. You didn't know what the mistake was. And they would just move on to the next clip as if it was so painfully(and hilariously) embarrassing.

I know that in person, those f*ck-ups are funny. But they have to be REALLY funny for it to be funny later on. When I'm watching this in my pajamas on my couch with my cats. We are very critical, Bert, Jake, and I. We do not just laugh at anything. Here's an idea for next time: WHO'S HOOKING UP IN THE CAST?

This idea was Bert's. He cares about things like that.

The Streets Are Lined With Camera Crews

I live on 1st Avenue. And for the past couple of days, there was been not one, not two, but like six different camera crews and television vans with their big anntenae's setup. Plus there was police. And then a huge line of people separated by a barricade. And so for the past few days, I've been trying to figure out what this was for.

For some reason, I decided I couldn't just ask someone what it was about. I had to figure it out on my own. Or with the help of Google. And yesterday night, I finally figured it out. It's a horrible resolution. There was a seven year old girl who was killed by her step-dad in a fight. So tons of people were paying their respects at this little girl's wake. Just awful.

Here's the full story from Gothamist.

Logo Stick

Ten thousand years later, Huck Slim has a new logo. YAY!

Sing, Sing A Song

Just saw a commercial for Crystal Light which appropriates a song by changing the lyrics "Shake Shake Shake, Shake Shake Shake, Shake Your Bottle!"

Instead of booty. Pretty lame. There are so many great commercial songs like say "Tasty Cake" or "Juicy Fruit". You don't have to cover other songs and change the lyrics to have a great jingle.

Maybe I should be writing jingles.

Beware Dead Kids Under Your Canoe

Today is Friday the 13th. If you are getting the heebie jeebies about this, you might have "Paraskevidekatriaphobics" which is the overly long word for the fear of Friday the 13th. I learned some interesting things just now looking up crap about FTT.

--There are 13 witches in a coven.
--Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Theodore Bundy and Albert De Salvo all have 13 letters in their name.
--There were 13 people at the Last Supper. We all know this but I never really thought about it being significant with the number.

And I guess that the Friday and 13th came together in the biggest way because that was the day that France went after the Knights Templar in a big round-up.

But whenever these days come along, I don't think about that. I think about the movie of course. And Jason. And I always think of a classic horror debate. Which is better, Halloween or Friday the 13th? I think overall, Halloween is better. But those last like 13 seconds of FTT are SO GOOD. You know, where Jason crawls out from underneath the canoe and pulls the chick in the water of Crystal Lake? Meanwhile, the police cars are just pulling up and that spooky flange music is playing.

And this is the only one that has this great ending like that. Halloween movies all end the same. Which is the great moment of Michael Myer seemingly dead, but then when they look back and he's gone. And then that creepy music starts playing.

So let's compare/contrast:

FTT Halloween
---- ---------
Music That CHIK CHIK CHIK AHH AHH AHH AHHH delay sound Eerie piano theme

Winner: Halloween

Cast Jaimee Lee Curtis, Donald Pleasants Kevin Bacon

Winner: Halloween

Killer Mrs. Voorhees Michael Myers

Winner: Halloween

Locale Crystal Lake Haddonfield

Winner: FTT, Crystal Lake is creepier.

Pittsburgh Love

While reading my daily dose of Gothamist, I came across an item mentioning how expensive NYC is. According to CNN, it is the most expensive city in the U.S.

But when you dig deeper, you find something else interesting. Next is L.A. and then Chicago, and San Francisco. Not surprising. But then finally, I spied this:

"Pittsburgh, meanwhile, was the least expensive city in the country."

How do you like that? Based on this, I am going to make a sweeping geo-political statement. There seems to be an inverse relationship with how exciting and fun a place is and how much money it is to live there. [No disrespect, Pitt! I'm just saying...]

And in case you are curious, the most expensive cities in the world are Tokyo, London, and Moscow. New York ranks 12th.

Oprah Notes

Seeing as how Oprah is on at 4 pm, and I don't have a VCR or Tivo/DVR, I rarely watch Miss O. But sometimes, I am home. Sometimes, I am sick. So since so many people like Kate and Natasha and Siobhan all blab on about how great Oprah is, I decided to watch it the other week.

I wondered, how much could Oprah have changed? I mean, as a kid, I was watching Oprah from the beginning. I've seen fat Oprah, and then skinny Oprah when she wheeled out those bags a little red wagon to symbolize her weight loss. And then back again. And back again.

But I was watching an episode which was about Oprah's favorite things. And this is when I decided, isn't this a little gratuitous and self-aggrandizing? I mean, do people really care about what Oprah's favorite pajamas are(see pic)?

The answer being a two parter. I don't, but people do.

Because I'm a forgiving and adventurous soul though, I watched. And I was told that would cry before the hour was out. I did not cry. I did not even get close to being weepy. I did not even get excited about the free stuff. It was fine really. I still like Oprah. I just don't see how she has taken over the world. Maybe I need to watch more to figure it out.

But I thought I'd mention two more things:

-- Did people really see this thing about KG donating all this money to build a house a month for two years for the Angel Network for peeps hit by Katrina? How cool is KG????? 24 houses! Scoop Jackson on ESPN.com scooped me to this fact.

-- Did everyone see the thing on The Smoking Gun about this James Frey dude and his fraudulent book A Million Little Pieces? This was an Oprah Book Of The Month book. I am waiting now for Oprah to respond to this. Oprah watchers, you know who you are, keep me informed!

Business Cleavage

You live long enough on this earth, and you can't help but compare the differences between boys and girls. Every day at work, I'm reminded of these differences. Chief among them the addition of business cleavage. Now, I wish I had a cellphone that could take pictures b/c I'd take some shots to illustrate my point. But I've noticed that something's been happening lately.

New York has always been a little more relaxed in terms of what people wear to work. But lately, I feel like I'm on Melrose Place. (Somebody help me with my tv references, what is some sort of show that takes place in an office but people wear racy outfits? Saying I feel like I'm on Boston Legal doesn't seem right to me.]

I'm seeing belly buttons. I'm seeing short skirts. They might not be mini-skirts. But they are definitely creeping up. But more importantly, there's been cleavage. And I'm not complaining. I just find it interesting. Because where does it become too much?

I think we can all agree that nobody buttons all the way up. And one button is pretty staid. Two buttons---that's standard. But when you get to three, that's where things get interesting. Just for comparison, I want you to do this right now. At your desk, or wherever you are. Button all the way up. And then come down button by button. When do you start to feel 'dirty'? Or self-conscious if that word works better for you?

I think it's that fourth button. Three buttons says, I've got it, and I'm showing it. But four buttons. That says, "Happy hour, at Bennigan's. Margaritas. Be there." And then it further says, "Screw that. Let's sneak out at 3 o'clock. Meet me at the service elevator."

This is my scientific opinion.

Things You Shouldn't Say In The Bathroom

I heard a guy say this yesterday at work, in the bathroom:

"Fancy meeting you here!"

I'm of the opinion that if we both went into the bathroom and didn't say a word to each other, and didn't even set eyes on each other, we would probably enjoy the experience more. We're into there to do a job. And it's a gross job. And we should just get to it, wash our hands, and get out of there.

Also, this is something that people often say when they see someone like that:

"We've got to stop meeting like this!"

And you know, that was actually very funny. But I think it's time to put this to bed. Guys will often use this line when talking with a girl. And I feel it's an attempt at flirting from the dude, to initiate some sort of sexual innuendo with the girl, while seeming to be harmless. Guys will think it's charming. They think they are being like the Kirkster on Dear John. But they forget, most girls found the Kirkster annoying. Guys should just grow a pair and ask that girl out.

Or maybe retool the old chesnut into something like:

"We often seem to show up in the same places. Wouldn't it make sense to go on a date? That way we could show in the same places and it would be less awkward. Plus we could make out. And it would be less awkward."

Sidenote: Does anybody have that kind of uni-sex bathroom portrayed in Ally McBeal? (I realize that both of my tv references in this post are dated.) I don't think they exist. But if they did, don't say that thing I just wrote there---save it for somewhere outside the bathroom.

Interchangeable Parts For Movies

I was watching Goonies this weekend and I was pretty pleased with the experience. Until, Sean Astin gets to where One Eyed Willie is and has a moment alone with him talking to him until he realizes that the rest of the gang has sneaked into the room behind him. He asks, "How long have you guys been standing there?"

Now, pretty much about anyone in the world can finish the screenwriting chores for the next line. Because this is an exchange seemingly as old as time itself. Just like we know "Who's there?" comes after "Knock, Knock" we know that Brandon is going to say, "Long enough."

I hate that! I don't want to be able to predict what the next line is.

Here's another moment that's in about every single thriller known to man. There's some tough guy, some bad ass action hero type. He might be James Bond or he might be Kyle Reese. He could be going out to battle velociraptors or he could be going to stop a speeding bus. But what's going to happen in every single movie like this is he's going to have a love interest. And at some point, he's going to leave to go do something--to kick more ass. And at that moment, the girl he's shacking up with is going to say, "Wait." And he'll stop. And she'll say, "Be careful."

As if that is going to change anything.

I HATE THAT!

Movies are too predictable. But every once in awhile, a movie does something different. But sometimes, it breaks your heart.

For instance, after watching D3 this past weekend---you know, Mighty Ducks 3. Our hero says to a girl, "Hey, I've got a game on Friday, maybe afterwards we could snag some Cokes."

And you know, we the audience, want to see our hero snag some cokes. I mean, you know this movie is PG-13 but we all know what snagging some cokes means. But does he do that? No. He does that.

And we can't help but leave feeling a little gypped.

I HATE THAT!

More Brilliant Search Results

Hello folks. I was on vacay for a long time there so I haven't been posting. But I'm back. And I've a few things to post about. But first off, here are some more brilliant ways that people found this little blog that could.

"elephant sex" Mind you, seven different people typed this into google. Or maybe the same person typing elephant sex in over and over again. I hope they found what they were looking for.

"wheelchair cutie" This is very sweet really. I'm just going to leave it at that.

"sex ape" Is this the same elephant sex person? One wonders. A sex ape sounds scary though. It sounds like an ape genetically engineered to be a sex machine. This is what I get out of that term. You might have another reaction to it. And indeed, the person searching prolly had their own idea. This is what is so great about art and literature and the internet. Everything is open to interpretation.

"star junction pa couples" This is prolly my favorite. Because this is such a specialized search. Remember for those not clued in, Star Junction Pennsylvania is a very very small town outside of Pittsburgh where my dad is from. You could even say my parents were a star junction pa couple.

Alright, on to other things but this was important that I update you few brave readers on this.