Pushing Daisy

When you don't have cable, you'll watch anything. Almost. See, I'm a big TBS watcher. I watch all the movies they show with that really annoying Southern gal who does Movie and a Makeover. And then there's Dinner and a Movie. I actually don't mind those two. (I have a friend who was up for that before---I'd much rather watch you(Jenny Andrews)doing this!) I watch Everybody Loves Raymond repeats. And Seinfeld. And the Family Guy. Sex and The City. TBS supposedly knows funny. And up until now, I thought they were mostly right.

But then came Daisy. You've probably seen the commercials. Since I divide my viewing time probably 50/50 between TBS and TNT, I've seen them a lot. The one segment they keep hammering over and over is Daisy asking a woman who supposedly can tell how animals feel, "Who let the dogs out?" "Who Who Who Who let the dogs out?" She seems to stutter but of course is just mimicking the song.

It's not funny. It's actually a bit painful.

But what's even more hurtful is to think that David Arquette and Courtney Cox are the ones to thank for Daisy. They are the producers. Betrayed by a "Friend"! Gail and Duey!

It hurts. Still, I will watch it and report. I feel it is my duty. I am the watcher. TBS, you are on notice.

Important Movie Effect

Also, sidenote:

This is such a classic movie trailer effect but it's always cool. If you have a movie that's set in winter, you have to have the film company logo screen have snow coming down around it. You can even have icicles hanging from it. This works also for movies with rain or storms but it works best for snow pics. There is no reason to do this in a movie about eighteen kids.

Unless they are trapped in a snowstorm. And the parents hook the kids up to a sled to lead them to safety. Then it would work brilliantly.

A Disturbing Trend

I saw some movies this weekend. As is the custom, they showed some previews before. And I saw something that disturbed me. But first, some history...

In 1969, a tv show emerged called "The Brady Bunch" in which a single parent with three kids meets a single parent with three kids of their own. Quick math tells us that's six kids. There's a certain novelty to having such a large household. Oh the scrapes they'll get into!

Then in 1977, they one upped the Brady's. Or rather, two upped them. With "Eight Is Enough". That's right, they went from a show with six kids to eight. (By the way, there was also in 1972, "The Waltons" but this also was six kids.)

Until ten years later, in 1988, when eight was no longer enough. "Just The Ten Of Us" continued the one upping to a solid ten kids with the Growing Pains spin-off.

Five years later, it seemed preposterous but a family flickered on the silver screen with an even dozen of kids in Steve Martin's "Cheaper By The Dozen".

You'll note at this point that the kids keep getting bigger by two in every instance. This seems like a heightening that increases the stakes but is also believable. Until now. 2005.

Which is when I saw a preview for "Yours, Mine, and Ours" the new movie starring Rene Russo and Dennis Quaid. Where as IMDB describes it, "A widowed Coast Guard Admiral and a widow handbag designer fall in love and marry, much to the dismay of her 10 and his 8 children". Yes, that's right. EIGHTEEN CHILDREN!!

That's just ridiculous. And stupid. And dumb. Pull out any word to degrade and demean this movie and it's deserved. I am almost certain there are Shakespeare plays with less cast characters. Think about it Lear had four daughters. And this was in a time where having as many kids as possible was encouraged!

Also, think about these actors. Eighteen kids? I mean, that's waaaay too many. I'm sure William, Christina, Harry, Michael, Kelly, and Ely all have fully drawn characters and character arcs. But what about Otter? And Ethan? Not to mention Phoebe, Dylan, Naoko, Mick, Jimi, Joni, Lao, Bina, Marisa, and Aldo.

See the joke in there too? Dylan, Jimi, Joni, Mick? Rockstars. But what about Phoebe and Bina and Marisa? See, they are slighted. Not even let in on the joke. They are simply the filler characters.

I eagerly await a new movie in 2008 to be called something like "My Family Is Big Enough To Field A Professional Football Team". Or maybe a movie about some rock groupie who had sex with all of these rockstars to have a huge family band of 40 some kids. Actually, that's not a bad idea. Must go write now.

Upstairs/Downstairs

Karma is brutal I suppose. For the past day, my neighbor(I can't tell if it's my upstairs one or my next door one) has been making quite a racket. It sounds like they are moving in? And then refinishing the floors. Or maybe scraping the paint off the wall? It's infuriating.

At first, I was like---ok, they are moving in. Well that's fine. And then it dragged on aaaaaaaalll day. And then I went outside and came back at like 11 o'clock at night. And it was still going on!

But you see, I am a wimp. So I didn't do anything other than pound the wall in frustration and yell out obscenities. My downstairs neighbor is not as wimpy. He never hestitates to come up and complain if he feels I've been loud. So far he has done this three times.

#1 Huck Slim was having rehearsal there and he felt we were being too loud. We did end at ten o'clock and he agreed that we always did end early. But I guess the stomping is too much.

#2 I was playing guitar in my bedroom late at night. And I guess he could hear me. It was an acoustic guitar! Still. My fault. However, this was the most obnoxious. He went downstairs and he buzzed on the buzzer. I didn't hear it. And then he came up and started knocking on my door. Let me ask you: do you really want to answer a knock at the door at midnight? I almost didn't.

#3 The stupidest of the three. Apparently, he was complaining about noises in the night. They were my cats I suppose. And I was like, ummm I really can't do anything about that. They chase each other sometimes. Sorry.

He also was under the impression that before a couple of cops lived in the apartment. I don't believe him. Maybe one. But my apartment is big for one person but would be small for two people that aren't a couple couple. Being a roommate in my apt would suck.

Still---this has all karmically come back. And now I am in my downstairs' neighbors position right now. I am hoping that by the time I get back from Thanksgiving vacation that this is all sorted out. Because it is driving me crazy.

The worst part is I don't know if it's the upstairs or the next door. The sound is deceptive. It could be either. And I don't want to knock on the wrong door.

Me on ESPN

This is my turn as Goat Dog on Kenny Mayne's The Mayne Event

Boy For Sale

I mean, ummm... book. Check out this new book that my friend Gethard wrote. It's all about spooky strange places in New York. So if you ever followed the Bunnyman's Trail in Virginia or someplace like that somewhere, it will be an interesting read!

I mean this is what this guy does---visit weird places. One day, he saw I was home on IM and said, what are you doing today? You want to go with me somewhere? And I said, where? "There's this place that if you stand on specific piece of ground, you hear people screaming. But only in the one spot. In other parts of the field, it's normal." [This is all paraphrased. Chris will probably correct me on what exactly happens on that spot.]

Sadly, I didn't get to go but I mean, don't you want to read about crap like that?

Anyway, it's called Weird NY. Check it! Available on amazon.com and bn.com and in stores!

The Music of Nature

Hey dudes! Check out my fish guitar!

Burger Pie

I'm shocked and dismayed. I feel very much like Kramer because someone has stolen my idea! A few years ago, Ben Rodgers and I came up with a brilliant (and I think) groundbreaking idea. Pizza toppings are very diverse. You have twelve major toppings:

--pepperoni(the king)
--cheese(the queen)
--mushroom(the third wheel)
--green peppers
--sausage(meat runner up)
--ham(normally only ordered with his lover)
--pineapple(great couple, i love them together)
--onion(no one orders a pizza with just onion, there's a reason, it wouldn't be good)
--black olive(part of the veggie family)
--green olive(the more ignored olive brother in pizza land, but i will argue the more interesting olive)
--anchovy(this is normally the dealbreaker when you say with everything)
(it's like when i was working at subway, people would say with everything but they never really meant with everything. 9/10 the hot peppers were not for them)

And finally, #12: hamburger

Which is the part I'd like to focus on. Look at all those toppings. What's in a pizza? Tomatoes. Cheese. Bread. If you put hamburger meat on them, then isn't it already close to being a hamburger? And here is where Rodgers and my brilliance come in. What about a hamburger that's in the shape of a pizza. And it's that big. You'd have a burger pie!

Wouldn't you eat that? I would. Cut it into eight slices. It'd be great at parties. Well, apparently someone else thought so too because they totally jacked our idea. I saw an ad in today's metro for some place now making our burger pies.

I will scan this ad in when I get home tonight. Ben and I should get some lawyers.

Also, in an effort to make this blog more educational I'm including a pie chart that I found as the result of some research of Settles Bridge Elementary in Cumming Georgia. You'll note sausage is only 3% behind pepperoni as the favorite topping.

Stern Theory

I listen to Howard Stern.

But I am one of those people that listen to him b/c he annoys me. I have him set on my alarm clock. So that I am irritated enough that I wake up.

He constantly says some of the stupidest things imaginable and this is what I perversely enjoy. For instance, this morning. They were talking about their move to Sirius. Which he is obsessed with. Because you know when he gets to Sirius he'll be able to say whatever he wants.

As if when he is able to do that, the show will be vastly better. You know, because they can curse. They spent about 10 minutes talking about how much better it would be b/c they could say, take a sh*t. Or f*ck you! Or the like.

And I was thinking.... how would it be that much better if you could do that?

In fact, I would say that the best bits that he ever came up with came about because he had the limitations in place. That's always what makes creativity blossom. It's having those things to constrict you and you are able to find the spaces in between.

But no, when Howard moves to Sirius, people will be treated to some unadultered fart jokes. And colorfully peppered stories about taking sh*ts.

I say people b/c I won't be getting Sirirus so I can listen to Howard. I'll just tune it to some other person I find annoying to wake me up.

Secrets

I'm getting excited for the holidays. It's still quite some time away but the great marketing machine of America is not waiting. And they've started me on the path.

This year, I am going to disclose two secrets for people to know and love. They are:

1) Grandma Shelkey's Stuffing Recipe
2) The Shelkey Family Wassail Recipe(the picture of me in an apron above is me making(brewing!) this wassail)

Stay tuned for these exciting secrets! These are the two main chores(what a misnomer in this case!) that I handle alone during the Shelkey family holidays.

I will be taking action photos of me making stuffing this year. A lot of people like to have their stuffing with lots of crap in it like sausage and celery and onions and the like. And they also insist it has to be in the bird. But not so for me. Also, here's something shocking...

I don't even really like turkey. In fact, if you just gave me stuffing and gravy, that would be an excellent Thanksgiving for me. I'm a man child. I know.

-Peter Pan

Nerds Rejoice!

Nerds around the world:

Rejoice for your time has come! Remember when you wished that your girlfriend would dress up like Princess Leia in the slave costume in Star Wars? Well, there is a whole site devoted to girls that did just that.

You are welcome nerds.

Catching Up

For the past couple of months, I've been on a feverish pace to catch up with the rest of the world. It's like when you were in middle school and you missed Saturday Night Live. Monday morning, you were screwed!

I think there's a certain amount of pop culture that are on the required reading list these days. But you see, I am handicapped.

#1 I do not have Tivo or DVR
#2 I do not have cable
#3 At least 3/7 of the working week I am doing something

But slowly but surely with the magic of Netflix and Blockbuster I have been climbing my way back into social relevance. For instance, two days ago I finished Lost, Season 1. Last night, I downloaded Lost, Season 2(up to this Wed). Over the next day or so, I hope to catch myself up.

People talk about how awful tv is but recently I feel like there's been some rebirth. Some really good shows like Lost and 24 appearing on the landscape. Still, I'm behind. So don't say anything. I don't want to miss a thing.

I need to get cable. There's really no other sane answer to this problem.

Juicy Juice

Really interesting article from ESPN, the Magazine on 'Roids.

Just thought I'd mention it.

Bloomie To Ruin City Again

So as you may know, Bloomberg got re-elected today. Which steams me pretty good. I voted for him last time but not this time.

The thing that probably bothers me most about him is he tries to sneak things in on you. And before you know it, it's too late to do anything about it.

Go and read about this new proposal to close bars at 1 am. Horrifying! I mean, really isn't the reason that we love New York partially based on it being The City That Never Sleeps?

If this goes through, it will become like every other lame city. I actually think that the bars in DC close at 2 am instead of 1. So we will became lamer than the DC nightlife. Youch.

It's not so much that I always utilize the 24 nature of the city but I love the fact that if I wanted to at almost any hour I could:

--get something to eat at a restaurant
--get something from a bodega
--go get a drink

I was joking the other day that what's next is going to be curfew. But it's the logical next step. Smoking ban. Late night bar closures.

The next headline might read:
"MAYOR GROUNDS CITY FOR STAYING OUT TOO LATE. NO PHONE CALLS, TV, OR COMPUTER GAMES EITHER."