Weenie of The Week

Last week's weenie was:

The friggin' dude who slapped Craig Biggio's wife!

How is this something that pops into anyone's head at a World Series game? Yes, I want to slap this woman. That'll show them! The misbehavers at all sports events are beyond me. From the soccer fans, to the father/son team who hit the Kansas City coach, to the whole Detroit fiasco with bball. It is no mystery that all of these things involve drinking.

Still, you have to be an uber weenie to slap someone's wife(and they are on the field!). It's one thing to throw beer on a bbal player. Which is wrong, but at least they have the option to come after you in the stands. Craig Biggio didn't a chance to do anything. Although, I guess I read his brother-in-law was sitting with his wife and went and popped the guy.

It seems like Weenie of the Week might be Weenie of last week because I always forget to do this on Friday.

The Top Five Scary Stories Of All Time

It is Halloween. Sam Hain's day. So, I thought I would put down some thoughts about scary stories. These are the camp fire stories. The ones you tell after dark to scare yourselves. It's important when you tell these stories to pretend they're real. So you should always say, "this is a true story." And also, "this happened to a friend of mine." In urban mythology, this is called an "FOF" story. Or, friend of a friend. I think it adds more creedence than just saying it was you----because that's easily disproven. But when it's your friend, as opposed to some person, that makes it scarier. Also, holding a flashlight up to your face doesn't hurt.

In my opinion, here they are:

#1 Aren't You Glad You Didn't Turn On The Lights?
#2 High Beams
#3 Thump Thump Drag(it's the very last one on this page)
#4 The Call Is Coming From Inside The House
Actually a movie! But still a great story.
#5 None Of Your Damn Business
(I include this one just because it's so silly. I wrote a version of it today for Huck Slim here)

Dear five readers,

What are YOUR favorite ones?

Oscar Wilde & the bon mot

I watched An Ideal Husband last night. And I was amused at just how witty Oscar Wilde was. And I remembered how in an essay I had read(in the back of a John Irving book) that John Irving had such a problem with Wilde. Why? Because Wilde had dissed (pretty harshly) Dickens.

I imagine people dissed Dickens in the same way that people are hard on Stephen King today. Stemming chiefly from the fact that they are popular.

But that doesn't mean Wilde was bad. His one novel(The Portrait of Dorian Gray) is great!

Here is a small sampling from Mr. Wilde:

--Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
--I am not young enough to know everything.
--I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.
--Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace.
--Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
--It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
--There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written.

Dorian Gray is so wonderful because it involves a young man who makes a friend who corrupts him. And reading it, it's very trying in a way because the friend says all of these awful things that somehow actually do make sense. And Dorian and you sort of hate yourself for beginning to agree with them. And if you are stranger in a strange place like high school or college or a new town. Well, you're going to meet a friend like that at some point of your life. And you'll have to decide what you're going to do.

Goober Peas

Siobhan and I were just reminiscing about that old song "Goober Peas". And I was realizing, hey, wait a second---what the hell are goober peas?

I had to look it up. Any guesses? It's peanuts!

Weird. But then I thought on about how what a great insult goober is. I mean, still to this day, you wouldn't liked to be called a goober would you?

Other old names that are still valid today:

--dude
--aught(new life in 2000!)
--nerd(if anything nerd is more relevant today than ever. But consider how this word is like 25 years old and counting!)
--geek(also, started with different meaning---circus freak who eats the heads off chickens but is still around)
--cool(honestly, how long has the word cool been 'cool'? at least 60 years. that's staying power.)

I think I need to hang out with some teenagers to see what sort of words they are using. When I was a kid, I was in Boy Scouts for like 6 months. And I learned how to play Egyptian Ratscrew which is one of the best card games of all time. There are quite a lot of rules of ettiquette in Egyptian Ratscrew. And if you mess one of these up, people tend to chide you.

But being Boy Scouts, these kids tend to be a little more wholesome than your normal kid. And a little more geeky. So instead of saying "bonehead!" or "loser!" or something, they would exclaim, "Greenhorn!"

How lame is that? But there's something sort of awesome about it too. This reminds me too of the time when I was a lifeguard and I accidentally yelled at some teenagers for "horseplay". They never let me live that down. There are some words that just make you into a geek or an adult. And the worst is when they do both at that same time.

Total greenhorn move.

The Greatest (read Longest) Game Ever Played

Did you stay up? Could you do it?

Every year, and I mean EVERY year, there are some games like this. These games were they are just getting started at midnight. And when you are thinking oh, I should just go to bed, you should really start to order some wings or mozarella sticks and crack open a few. You finish extra innings and there's sort of a continum that these games follow. Here is my mathematical law I came up with last night.

Nate's Law: The more a game stretches on, the more a game will tend to never end.

This seems simple. This seems rather stupid. But it's true. And it's more complex than you might think. Because what's underlying this law is that as a game stretches on---more and more pitchers are used up. And that means more and more pinch hitters are used up. Which means that when you get to around the 14th inning, unless you've planned for this monster of a game---you start to run out of players.

Which is what happened last night. Each team had approximately one pitcher left and one pinch hitter left. So the White Sox took it one further. And had a starting pitcher come in from the bullpen.

Nate's Law also takes into account the tendency that as a game goes on and these new players end the game----the possibilty that the best players have already left the game exists. No longer is it your great starting pitchers(except if they come in from the bullpen). No longer are all your sluggers in(because you might have used pinch runners). No, it's the scrappy doo's that are left to win the game. Not Scoobes. It's the unknowns from the bench.

Like Geoff Blum. Who the hell is he?

And so. I'm bleary eyed. But at work. Wishing I was home. Wishing the Astro's had won. If wishes were horses...

Cheap Date Ideas

I coached a practice group last night and during the inevitable stretch 'n share, found out this one dude was getting his doctorate in philosophy. So I asked how many times they had to go before the panel. Which he said is called oral defense. Apparently, it just happens once. At the end. It's like this whole group of teachers and they ask you this battery of questions. But here's the best part:

Then they open it up to anybody.

So if you're in the crowd watching this(which I guess is normally sparsely attended) you can ask them whatever question you want and they have to endeavor to answer it. So this is my suggestion for a cheap date idea. Scour local college publications for a notice of an upcoming oral defense and plan accordingly. You can choose to be supportive or be a jokester and heckle.

I will be submitting more cheap date ideas as they come to me.

Weenie of the Week

I'm sorry faither readership(you five know who you are). I forgot to do Weenie of the Week last Friday. But I know who it is. Without a doubt.

It's Marcus Camby. From the Post last week:

'Nuggets center Marcus Camby, who will earn $9.3 million this season, suggested the NBA provide a stipend to help players pay for their dress clothes. Duncan told reporters he didn't plan on buying a suit, "Don't own one and never have." Iverson sounded willing to pay whatever fines are levied. "It's not fair," he told the Philadelphia Inquirer. "Just because you put a guy in a tuxedo doesn't mean he's a good guy." Even Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, who often wears T-shirts at games, objects to the change.''

The dude wants a stipend to pay for his suits. You know, a stipend to go on top of his 9.3 MILLION dollars. You are a cheap jerk, Marcus Camby. Here's a little free tax tip because I know you will use it. Those suits are tax-deductible if they are required by your work.

Athletes remain and always will be, punks. At least the World Series is exciting.

Fogeys On Parade

Joe Buck just said, "This joint is jumpin'!"

Dude, you're like 45 years old. Don't say that. Just don't.

The Name Game

The barber shop on my corner changed its name. It used to be "London's Best Haircuts". Now, it has become "Traffic" haircuts.

Even though LBH made little sense since I live in New York, "Traffic" haircuts sounds really unappealing. What does that say about haircuts? I want a haircut that looks good in traffic?

Come to think of it, I do want that. I should make an appointment.

The Goat Dog

So if you're watching football this Sunday---you should turn on ESPN's Sunday Night Countdown. I'm going to be on this spot for Kenny Mayne's the Mayne Event. Around 12:30 pm. I will be playing The 'Goat Dog'.

They're In

Finally, the baseball gods have given us a World Series worth watching. Last year, was a bit of a snooze. Let's be honest. It was great that the Sox won but the Cards didn't really put up a fight.

So I didn't really care if the Cards made it to the Series. I wanted the 'Stros/White Sox. And so here we are. Essentially it's kind of like how last year you were rooting for it to be The Cubs/Red Sox. And then Bartman changed all that.

(I know, I know---it was just one play. But still.)

Do you remember your first World Series? The first one I can remember is the Kansas City/Cardinals one. Jose Oquendo is for some reason, a name I remember, and it's because of that WS. But I also remember quite vividly the '86 series of Red Sox/Mets. I was a bandwagon Mets fan that year. And I remember in the locker room of Washington Irving middle school kids banging on lockers about their favorite teams.

I believe we sang "We Will Rock You".

Can't You See He's In Love?

I am. It's true. With this girl---It's Lindsay Weir from Freaks and Geeks. Well, it's really Linda Cardellini. But now she's all growns up. I just started watching Freaks and Geeks for the first time this past week. It's awesome!

But what is even better is Lindsay Weir. She makes feathered hair look hot again.

After extensive googling and imdb-ing, I have discovered she is one year younger than me. So there's a chance! But she's also on ER now. So really, I'm just a guest spot away from meeting her.

Photoshop Fun

James and I spent a couple hours last night fooling with Photoshop creating masterpieces like this. Note the clever use of rainbow and the added lens flare which didn't exist. The eye catching texture. All of this leads to what could have been a gloriously cheesy 70's album cover.

Or a possible Huck Slim poster for today!

The Great Friendster Debate

You know, some people think that Friendster is dead. I don't think so. Some people still don't even know about Friendster at all. My friend James had never heard of it. But James never even had an email until last year. So he's a little slow on the progress reports.

Why are people saying that Friendster is dead? Because of a new feature they've added. You can see who's looked at you. Which is intriguing just like caller id. In fact, that's basically what it is. It's caller id for Friendster.

Because just like with caller id, it was nice if you were the person who was id'ing the caller. But if you were calling, well you hated to be called out like that. You felt so naked, so exposed, so violated.

And again, this is how people feel with the new Frienster feature. Well, I'm sure the good folks at Friendster realized this so they added a feature where you can say you're anonymous. And that way you can frienster stalk with abandon. Still, there remain some people who don't know about the new feature or don't care who knows they are looking at your friendster page.

It is sad though. Back in the beginning of time, there were no answering machines so if you liked a girl---you called and you either got her, or it rang and rang, or you got her mom. (this is the beginning of time, remember? so it's high school and this girl is still living at home) And although it was embarrassing for her mom to know that you were calling her daughter(presumably to ask her out), it wasn't too bad.

But then the answering machine came. And that's when the evil started. Because then people started becoming screeners. You've seen them. Perhaps you are one. They sit at home never answering the phone till the call comes in and it clicks on. And you know the worst thing of all?

It's when you've made it successfully through a screening process. Because inevitably you will have a day where you will not make it through and you will realize that the girl you are calling or your friend is sitting at home listening to your message and thinking, "nope. Not worth it."

Which brings us to caller id. Because we had a defense mechanism built-in, we callers, we did. If you got the Machine, you had an option. It wasn't a great option just like the rabbit's only option to escape a predator is to run, but still---it's an option.

Of course, our version of the rabbit run is The Hang Up. We hear the Machine click on, you hang up. No damage done. The Hang Up was even better before the Machine b/c then you could call and neurotically call and hang up without feeling guilty about it.

But still, it was nice to have even with the Machine.

ENTER EVIL TECHNOLOGY. With caller id, you could no longer ever call and hang up---b/c the your hang up was logged. Your pathetic phone call was known to the world. And Friendster has inserted this into the electronic world. No longer can you check out some person. I suppose yes, you can put your login to anonymous but that's a bit like putting that code in to disable caller id. Where does it stop?

It doesn't. The war continues.

Shameless Plug

I suppose it doesn't even matter if I'm plugging my own show on my own blog because it's my own website so deal with it!

TONIGHT:

Huck Slim is playing at the C-Note at 10 pm. Come on out! Brave the rain! It will be fun, entertaining, amusing, and instructive. I promise. Plus you will groove on the tunes. Go over to huckslim.com and you can hear some of them. Plus we'll be recording I think tonight again so you can hear your own laugh or cheer on the recording later.

Do it!

Cracked Up Logic

Does this make sense? Gothamist has an interview with some dude who's going to be running Cracked magazine's website. The interesting thing is it mentions that he was in jail for 6 years for being in possession of crack cocaine. It also mentions he is 25. And furthermore mentions he was a producer for ABC News. How is this possible???

Quick math:
25-6 = 19

Are we to believe he was a producer at 19? It must mean 6 months, right? Very interesting.

The Old Man Is Snoring

This week is monsoon season in New York. Every day this week, it has rained. It is supposed to let up on Saturday. But until then, more rain.

The unhappy part of most apartment life in NYC is that you have no washer/dryer in your apartment. So where you might have been able to put your soggy jeans in the dryer back home, you cannot do that here.

Or what about putting your shoes in front of the fireplace? Nope. I suppose I could rest that on the heater. It's not the same though. You know, I actually have a fireplace----but I can't use it. It's mocking me.

You can just tell that when it rains really hard, that's all that people think about. A quick Google search relates that there are over 775 songs about rain. I'm sure there's quite a number of snow songs too. Not as many hail songs. In fact, I don't think there's even one. ("Hail to the Redskins" and "Hail to the Chief" do not count.)

List of Things To Do:

--Write song involving "hail"
--dry pants
--get umbrella that works

Kurt Angle, Olympic Champion, WWF Star, cousin

The Post has an interview with Kurt Angle, my 2nd cousin:

here

Weenie of the Week Fans

There are like five people that read this blog. And I appreciate each and every one of you. But someone just found the blog by searching for "Weenie of The Week Brenner" meaning that they were a fan of Glenn Brenner's Weenie of the Week!

That makes me overjoyed. The other thing that is amazing is that I just googled that phrase and I don't even come up on the first eight pages so whoever this Brenner was. I also previously referred to him as Ken Brenner. Oops. I was a kid. Glenn sounds like Ken. Mea culpa.

Anyway, because of this I have decided to bring back the Weenie of the Week. So every Friday you can look forward to the Weenie of the Week here on shelktone.com!

(Five people cheer.)

Indefatigable

I am a little obsessed right now with Horatio Hornblower. The PBS mini-series to be specific. I love this old naval crap!

But the one thing that cracks me up is the name of his ship. The Indefatigable---which means something that never fatigues. Which is kind of a lame sort of boast. Like naming your ship, Inconsternable. Or the HMS Patience. The USS Conscientious.

Seriously, Hornblower---work on that ship name. It's lame. No wonder they take to calling it the Indie. The shipmates know it's a lame name.

Sidenote: Did you hear how Nick Cage named his kid "Jarel" as in, after Superman's real name? Talk about a lame name. Isn't it interesting that he had that sketch on SNL that was about naming your kid stupid names and here he goes and picks a doozy.

I always was amused by that sketch b/c he gets the name Nate in the sketch but can't really think of how to make fun of Nate. Which is odd, because Nate rhymes with a lot of things.

No matter! I am indefatigable!

Matching Your Socks

Did you guys see this? Peter Gammons is choosing the White Sox over the Red Sox?!?!?! Insane!

Not insane that he might not think the White Sox can beat his Red Sox but rather that he'd still pick them. I mean, surely it's not an overwhelming choice of his---3-2 odds and all. But still. It's pretty interesting.

But maybe it's just that classic New England pessimism.

The Hill District

Sadly, August Wilson just died. It got me thinking about the Kennedy Center. Way back in 1992, me and my brother Brent got to see "Two Trains Running" before it went to Broadway. This was because our Aunt Dodie and Uncle Jim would always give us these great tickets to the Kennedy Center. See, Aunt Dodie only liked to see comedies and musicals. So the straight plays, we'd get to see.

They'd also take us to the other ones too but the dramas, we'd go to by ourselves.

So we saw a good number of plays.

We saw a play called "The Twilight of the Gold's" which had a pre-nose job Jennifer Grey. And also the uncle from Family Ties(not Tom Hanks of course, but on Stephen's side. His brother who had the sibling rivalry with him and made him feel guilty about their dad.)

We saw "Oleanna" before it went to Broadway with W.H. Macy and a wooden actress who I didn't know then but would later turn out to be Mrs. Mamet, Rebecca Pidgeon.

(By the way, there was a young actor in "Two Trains Running" who turned out to be Laurence Fishburne later on.)

We also saw "Cats"* and "Les Miserables" and "Me and My Gal"*(which was particularly fun because it was with Tim Curry, who I just got to see in Spamalot on Saturday.)

I remember seeing "Phantom of the Opera" when I did this summer workshop at the Kennedy Center. And we met the cast. And asked them such great questions as "isn't it scary singing from up there?" Referring to the point where the Phantom sings from up top over the stage.

And I also remember, to bring it all back to August, asking my dad about the Hill District. Because August has written a lot about that area. Both of my parents are from Pittsburgh, but I don't recall every going there. And my dad said, "Why are you asking about that? Why would you ever want to go there?"

I guess that's the point that August was trying to make.